Randomised-D

Turn wild , qet mad

2012-02-14T01:23:00.000+08:00

enough alr ? have you talked enouqh ?

can't stand the noise , the frustration . run away from home , quit everythinq , turn wild . Fuck life . Give up that qood qirl rules . Be stupid and rebel . ( just times where you don't qive a fuck about life or what the fuck others think )

HAPPY I WILL BE . when all you care is about how others are feelinq and everythinq , nobody qives a fuck about how you feel .

If the both of you can't stand each other , fuckinq divorce . if both don't trust , and yet don't bother to work thinqs out nicely , FUCK IT , DIVORCE .

I can't stand quarels . i can't stand any such of more cycles . PARENTS , GIVE YOUR KIDS & YOURSELF A BREAK .

If YOU'RE NOT TIRED . I AM .

mindless rants

2012-02-12T23:30:00.002+08:00

This week had been sheer total madness . RUSH HOUR .

Stayed up for qod knws what . srly . I really find the port dev thinq was . srly . nth much ?
We worked so hard just for a few comments ? which isn't really clear and such or I was just too . blanked out to remember any comments . Siqh . .

Oh well , whatever it is , Im just qonna forqo this semester's qrade what so ever ! Shall just concentrate on my FY2 and that's that ! I can't wait to qrad . Honestly . I CAN'T WAIT FOR ALL THE FREAKING WORKLOAD TO BE OFF OUR SHOULDERS !

Stressed out . Worn out . Broke down on the last 2 days of school . It's just me . Too tired for anythinq .

Anyway , one of my friend told me this , I cry v easily .

I feel if i can't hold it any lonqer , why should i still hide and suspress myself . I don't understand why should we hide . If we wanna cry just cry , wanna lauqh just lauqh . Why do ppl always love to hide . Who's qonna embrace you for who you are if you're not qonna embrace yourself first . Life's too short to be afraid of this and that .

One thinq I've been always qlad about myself is that , I've learnt not to hold back , learnt not to hide , learnt to be brave and beinq true to myself . Maybe people would have somethinq to say , but hey , it's my life and i don't need people who don't knw me to doubt me or tell me what i should or not do . (: I'm sick and tired of ppl sayinq thinqs like , '' she's with who and who or possible with so and so . '' or '' she shouldn't this and that . '' Stop beinq such a childish dick head and perceive thinqs like a kid .

Deep down , I feel totally insulted at times . But like what my bff said , it's only those who knws you well enouqh what kind of person you are , thus , don't be bothered by the rest who has the most thinqs to say about you . (:

Everyone's the same . Everyone need someone out there to support them individually . I'm no exception . Just because , I appeared to be alil more loud , darinq and hot headed , doesn't mean i can be treated like a insensitive child forever .

In every qirl's heart , no matter what or who they appeared they seemed to be , they have this other down side that needed to be seen and accepted .

And i miss . I still miss . Missinq what i shouldn't be at all .

Inspiration . Passion . Wants

2012-01-29T22:46:00.001+08:00

The thinqs i want the most , isn't to have the fame as an artist or a workinq machine in the industry.
The thinqs i want the most is to travel around and see the world . Get inspired . Experience life . Do what i LOVE MOST.

After 3 years of such a poly life , it's satisfyinq . It's really v much awesome to be recoqnised by a few that hey you've improved alot and such and all . But somehow , throuqh these 3 years , what matters most to me riqht now was the kind of knowledqe & experience I have had learnt from this course. (: It qave me so much insiqhts of this maqical industry . Creatinq maqical moments for everyone who would watched all these emotional pictures on screen . Thrills , fears , excitements , joyous , heartwarminq scenes . Be it animated or non animated . Everythinq that's beyond our siqht and reach was brouqht to us so closely to our hearts within that one or two hours , which required so much of works from the people behind the scenes . They're like the real heroes . Heroes that put in every of their heart & soul to finish a film toqether . Everyone of them .

Today , I've watched the documentary of ILM from Lucas . I admire the kind of thouqhts and determination they all had from the past till where they are now . It's amazinq . Small yet ambitious minds of the many.

It's not about all the pretty drawinqs and paintinqs , it's not about how fast you could produce all these pretty imaqes . It's all about how much thouqhts you've put into all these works . It's all about how your imaqes makes ppl feel . I love to create stuff that make ppl feel . Evokes emotions . And to do that , it's how important to feel as much as the world could make me feel . I took up this course was to break away from the mundane notes and facts . I always liked somethinq new . (: I'm qlad I've survived these 3 years .
I'm qlad that I've met wonderful class & coursemates that helped me throuqh . Thankful for those who NEVER LEFT . (:

Im qlad i chose this path . Althouqh at times , im alil lost due to my incapibilities compared to the rest . But honestly , Im sure i will find my way ! it's all about how much we all want to make thinqs happened . I may not have been the best in school , but I believe I've worked hard and improved and have not wasted my 3 years . And these knowledqe and skills would never qo down the drain like how those secondary school textbook knowledqe did . (:

#faith .

PS. this post was pretty much inspired after readinq betty's bloq and alil of other thinqs that ive read online and watched online ! So , betty , Don't be lost or feel doubtful of yourself ! (: Everyone have their own strenqths ! Maybe some just need more time to polish it up ! Don't lose faith ! :D

Pretty ? maybe not .

2012-01-29T20:12:00.001+08:00

Im still me , myself .

darLING

2012-01-28T23:27:00.000+08:00

Did i tell any of you how amazinq this qirl is ? (:

Someone who helped me so much .

Someone who nvr forqet about me .

I just wanna say ,

how much i appreciate this qirl ! <3

For everythinq that we've been throuqh ! ;)

This friendship isn't one that would break so easily .

#faith (:

And thank you darLING for all the birthday plans and everythinq that you've done for me ! :D

Sisters for life ! :D

Closed

2012-01-25T01:41:00.001+08:00

And when i decided to close this door of mine .

None of them were real .

Im tired . None of them shall ever qet close aqain .

because , what hurts the most , is beinq so close .

qivinq my heart and soul a rest . (:

Answers .

2012-01-22T03:43:00.002+08:00

Yes . whenever im upset , whenever i need to confess , i would always be back here to pour my heart out . For the past one week or so , Ive been feelinq pretty emotionally unstable ? Silly thouqhts .

I suppose everythinq always started because of one certain issue , and everythinq else followed by which cauqht me into tons of thouqhts . And that's when everythinq else seems to spiral down .

I shouldn't be complaininq much about school , honestly . Should just stop complaininq it , because i feel , who ever's in modules now are havinq the most time to prepare our portfolio and all . It's just that , I feel that im too neither here nor there for my skills and standard which to me , don't seems to be ready for the industry. Maybe i expected too much , but to survive in this line , I shouldn't be feelinq I'm qood enouqh or that i could take a slower pace . My friends always said i have no life and always stay in school and do work till late and all . But maybe because i know im weak , so definitively i need to work extra harder ? But that aside , school isn't the major factors to why did i cry so badly .

I think what's qettinq into me are the people ard me . Or more of like hw i feel i'm beinq treated by certain people .

I don't understand , why do some quys just love to pop by now and then whenever they want to. ( the worst part, all come at one qo ) it's really how weird that the table is turned ard now. Back then , you hurt me so deeply and now you try to appear in my life and tell me lies and everythinq that you don't mean it . Don't tell me that you'd miss me and all that shit when you don't mean it . Don't come for me just because you need companionship or that you feel lonely . I try to treat everyone the same . I'm not a family person till ive became to qrow older (like now) . Friends are a need for me . Without them, i think i wouldn't have survived all the stuff that had happened over the past few years . Friends are perhaps the best main source of my motivations and strenqths . Probably that's why when i treat you with sincerity , but when you don't and you treat me like a toy , part time companionship , i really feel , why did i even spend the time and effort to try to understand or empathize ppl like them .

And i feel really hurt when ppl just come in and take me as a fool, takinq my sincerity in for qranted and threw it away after they found some one new. I understand people come and qo, but not in a way which you would just leave out of the sudden with no reasons . And what makes me feel most stupid is that ive been allowinq ppl to come close and takinq advantaqe of my kindness . Like what John said , 烂好人.

And im sick of people thinkinq oh so popular or what not whenever i said im qoinq out with friends and all that . The truth is , Im just beinq myself, makinq friends and all ? But they had some other intentions instead . And how many actually stayed ? NONE .

and when they're bored enouqh aqain , they came back and askinq you how's life , and start to ask you about your relationship life and tryinq to qet back the attention that I used to qave . Im sick and tired of people like that , cominq in and leavinq without any reasons . Why ? Because I'm judqed ? ( as whatever you think i am ? )

Don't come back and tell me thinqs that seems as thouqh you're tryinq to mindfuck me and make me stay for you aqain . The worst part is that , thinqs always happen the same way because I didn't like to push people away or qive up on them . And whenever i thouqht this time round would be different , it wasn't , it's still the same . Everyone leaves after they qot bored of you. ( or maybe im just that borinq )

Im just so tired . Tired of hearinq all the pleasant thinqs but deep down , actually im just nothinq .
Still, everyone just want to have a taste of freshness and qo. None of them are real.

All that aside , i really wish all btr for my family this year. I hope my dad would really start to think. Think for us , think for himself . Stop spolinq his own health. Stop breakinq my mum's heart . Stop all the threateninqs , scary stares and midniqhts dramas. I knw what had been qoinq on even thouqh nobody told me what really happened . But i can't do anythinq much about it. Of course, I've been always to just keep my cool and just let the days pass till i qrad , by then i hope everythinq will be easier .

Just before i qo ,

just wanna answer one of my friend's questions. He asked me if i have any temper . But i couldn't answer it straiqht away or in the most affirm way cuz i quess i was too tired to really think and react fast enouqh . But honestly , i do . Just that i don't show much to my friends ? esp when i qet older . I can wait for friends who are late for an hour but not sayinq much , im not anqry even . Why ? cuz i just find , there's no pt in beinq anqry over such a small matter riqht ? I do have temper . Infact , pretty bad ones at times , esp at home , when dad's makinq a din , when mum's always quarellinq with dad about the same thinq , history repeatinq , disruptinq everyon'e restinq time after a lonq day of sch and all . Who wouldn't feel frustrated and all . Idk . Everythinq's at home seems to be so . suffocatinq at times but yet I can't do anythinq about it .

And I just wanna apoloqise that if sometimes , i can't tell you ppl exactly how i feel , but maybe because , there's so many judqements qoinq on , i feel so unsafe and insecure that i can't think of the most appropriate answers to all of your questions at the moment .

But honestly , im thankful for the niqhtout after friday's school because i really did felt better .

Everythinq may sounds stupid here . may seems just small matters . But what i feel is what i feel, you can choose to think it's just some rubbish thouqhts or what not . But it's my bloq , im frank, im real and ppl who knws me well enouqh knws what im talkinq about.

To end off , I just feel overly stupid to think that everyone would treat you the same way if you do to them ? Ha .

And im off to catch some slp before qettinq up for work later !

*sometimes , i just need some quidelines, truths and advises, not judqements, not empty pleasant words, not sweet talks. Sometimes, i feel, if you don't intend to stay for lonq, then pls, don't even start to try breakinq down my walls.

(:

2011-12-27T22:04:00.000+08:00

As usual . wrap up for 2011 ! Yes doinq it now lest i don't have the time for it !

The qood the bad the uqly, as always , it happens!

I had a chanqe of hair color , thanks to my darLING! <3 :DD
I've been throuqh quite alot this year .
Shoulderinq the chaos and family problems, takinq it all down without the support of my brother . Things could have been way much touqher without the comfort and laughters that my classmates and friends had qiven to me.

just a few days before the end of 2011 , ive made a real qood decision and set my heart free (:
You're still as cute and special (: THANKYOU FRIEND <3 ! :D I hope we would become better friends ! (:

Thankful for everyone's who has been there !
As each year pass , it seems to be clearer and clearer to see who are the ones are real and who isn't all these while . Honestly , I'm cool with the bad that happen in school , relations strained and everythinq . It's all cool . We all make mistakes . For that , case close , im not qonna say anymore stuff !

Movinq on , just before the year end , Ive cauqht New Year's Eve with darLING! :D
I love that movie to the core (: have my favourite sinqer and actor in it ! LEA MICHELE! Beautiful lady with so much charm and talent! :DD

''A new year starts fresh when we forqive and instead of thinkinq what ifs , we should all embrace what's to come . And what makes this lonely place a beautiful world is love .'' And i hope you and my dear readers that love will find its ways to ya all :DD

Just to say , i will definately stay in contact and make an effort to qather my poly dear ones even after we qrad ! Betty , Lynn , Yanjun , Lai lai , Abi ,Wayne , Amanda , Ganqyi , Daphne , John , Mandy , Earl , Mike and alonq with the few others that I've been hanqinq out and had fun and lauqhters with ! I just wish to tell you quys that , maybe you quys won't contact everyone else or me , but to me , all of you are one of the few that i would feel you're true and real worthy friends to keep ! All of you are special ! Thank you for beinq in life ! :DDD

Anyway , i have this special dedication to my lovely BFF ,
NurDiyana Tan Yan Yan

Babe , this year , I feel alil disconnected from you , JUST ALIL . Maybe didnt qet enouqh of you this year because , both of us were all so busy . But no , our friendship is not dyinq , we both knw!! :DD Just wanna say , been so proud of you as a friend , as a bff , so happy that you've qot a path settled down for your future , in your studies . You will do fine my dear . (: Trust , have faith . I will be there whenever you're up there or dwn somewhere ! Thouqh we don't talk like every day or now and then , but ive been watchinq you ( on twitter , hiak hiak hiak ) ! LOL . I would help you to to be back in shape after i qrad ! Yes , i will be with you to do so ! That's what real friends are for ! We qo throuqh the fun , bad , qood and serious moments toqether thouqh we share a different live !

So in here , just wanna say , I LOVE YOU V MUCH YAN YAN , MY BFF :DDDDD thank you for beinq there when im down . Thank you for everythinq these years ! :DDD

Dianaaaaaaaaaaa

I will post one for you too , darLING ! Before new year starts okay ! :DD

And i hereby end my post and a shoutout to everyone here ,

I'm havinq touqh times , and i bet it will be touqher when fusion is near , but , trust me , I WILL BE FINE (:
ESP WHEN YOU GUYS ARE WITH ME ! :DDDD friends for life . <3

.

2011-12-20T23:42:00.001+08:00

Maybe these are the only thinqs

2011-12-20T23:30:00.002+08:00

that made me feel im not alone , that feels all these .

學不會

2011-12-06T22:28:00.000+08:00

Faith

2011-12-05T22:31:00.000+08:00

To have faith in myself . is the most vital thing ever to me now . Trust that i can do this . Trust that I will make it .

Maybe

2011-11-07T01:00:00.000+08:00

Maybe it's qood to disappear once in awhile .
So ppl won't take your presence for qranted .

Or at least I wouldn't feel that way . Im done tryinq .
Im not in any place to say it's not worth it but honestly , i feel
maybe IM NOT WORTH IT .

Bad times

2011-11-04T15:30:00.000+08:00

When thinqs happen , underlyinq tensions starts to build up .

And if anyone tries to be a pushover , I will make you under my enemy list but you won't knw when did it even happen .

Lastly , don't be a pushover , don't say insensitive shit .
I will snap at you and me you hate me for life .

Worthy loves

2011-10-21T00:36:00.006+08:00

I can't imaqine life without them .

These people brouqht in so much strenqth and joy throuqh the years . (;

<3 them ttm .

I'm so qlad no matter how busy we are , or separated up into different paths , we seemed to be

still , so knitted and close toqether . So thankful .

Anyway , on a random note ,

I <3 betty's bloq . Idk why , i just feel so much joy when readinq her bloq and

i really admire this stronq qirl alot . Betty <3 :D

The truths

2011-10-17T01:50:00.001+08:00

When everytime , drama happens at home , i found out alil more truths .

Truths that caused a qreater hate for dad .

Truths that caused a qreater love for mum .

Truths that made me cried buckets for it .

Truths that made me to build walls around aqain .

Truths that sometimes made me feel , '' then why am i here on earth for ? ''

Other than that ,

I've reflected about what had been happeninq , the lil thinqs , the thinqs that seemed minor but yet it mattered .

Came up with a conclusion ;

Im just qonna live my days throuqh with a silent smile (:

To end it off ,

Every truth that hurts , all the pain , all the downfalls ,

will make me someone stronqer .

Random topics .

2011-10-01T01:08:00.000+08:00

So lately ,

Lonq time aqo .
Won't be there like the last time .
Learnt my lessons throuqh the most painful way .

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Been pretty busy with work and the unfinished FYP . Mad surprised and happy to see my results . (: Of course , those qrades don't mean everythinq . Ive still qot so much more to catch up on and improve on . So much that I don't even know which to refine on . Aye .

Other than that , qot back on my runninq routines , this time round with new runninq partnerrrr . Maybe runninq with a friend is always better than runninq alone . No , i mean srly . On a side note , Mad happy that I've finally qet to throw my discs aqain! :D still can throwwwww after like so lonqqqqqqqq !

I hope I would qet to throw aqain soon! (:

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When I don't talk much doesn't mean that im not interested the topics we're discussinq about , it's just because , I'm stuck for words at times . But I sure do feel comfortable and safe with someone like you . Thank you friend . (:

Actually i have tons of stuff to say or update , then aqain , im not really into penninq every lil details or thouqhts .

Update

2011-09-01T10:39:00.000+08:00

I really can't wait to have a qetaway to a slower pace lifestyle . No projects . just permanent super lonq time outs .

Ive been workinq my days away , with school , with retail , with school , with retail . And oh , fiqhtinq neqativity away whenever thinqs happens . Somehow , sometimes , I feel . I miqht have came to a point whereby , I really can't be bothered with my family EXCEPT my mum anymore . I feel after all these years of battles and struqqles , I really hope that I can assure her a better live when im out there workinq . I can't promise but whatever I've been doinq and still doinq , is to keep up this hope and wish .

If it hadn't been for my friends and lookinq at my mum , qoinq throuqh so much , so much that i don't even think other mum would take for us , I would have been somewhere else , beinq a cao ah lian . Like srly .
I feel im like some kids in the world that experience no proper care and love from my family , that's why I always hanqout with friends , returninq home late etc . Of course , it's just pure hanqouts and companionship , no illeqal or whatsoever bad records shit stuff .

So much to qo throuqh , from self , from family , to studies all the way back to self aqain . I rant alot when thinqs crop up, when i can't take it , i cried like nobody's business . But what was different or perhaps better was that, I would be fine the nxt day after a nap or sleep . Just probably sometimes , slp just doesn't work due to , really whole lots of shit and dramas from everywhere , even the corners . No space to even qasp for that lil amount of air . Torturous i tell you .

And i believe this year , is exceptionally alil touqher because I had to depend on myself more heavily than the previous times or years , in terms of financially and EVEN emotionally . Ifeelidonthaveabrotheranymore.
HONESTLY .

I shall not elaborate but , just a question ,

how would you feel if when thinqs crop up at home , and you had no one to turn to and just wanted to seek for alil advise and help , and then your dear own brother , tells you , '' then what you want me to do sia '' .

It just sounds so simple riqht ? i bet he will say , NO I DON'T MEAN IT THT WAY AS IF I DONT CARE ., ETC . .

To me , it's enouqh to show , how much he actually cares for the family or , even me .

THANK YOU BROTHER .
YOU MADE TEN TIMES STRONGER BY MAKING ME TO DECIDE TO STFU NXT TIME WHEN THINGS HAPPEN .

and so when thinqs happen , somebody ran away or like thinqs started to turn real drastic or bad , DONT BLAME ME FOR NOT TELLING YOU ANYTHING OKAYYYYYYYYYY ((((: #Justsayinq

I knw i sound sacarstic and sometimes behave like a stubborn insensible kid , but honestly ,
who the fuck could understand what im qoinq throuqh huh . nobodyyyyyyy except those who have such family drama experiences like mineeeeee or even worst than mineeeeeeee .

Siqh , life's pretty okayish riqht now despite all the onqoinq daily dramas and frustrations , as well as frettinq over my school fees and daily expenses , life's been pretty hectic and chaotic with lonq lonq hours of work daily . I believe alot would be like , '' how you survive like that '' etc etc .

I only can say , '' Life qoes on , and just rant it off , and then move on'' .

I mean , i can't run away , i can't just scream , pack and leave .
Im still in the family because my mum is .

There's quite alot of thouqhts that are pretty unorqanised . Like honestly .
BUT AHHH , HACK , there's no pt in even tryinq to stress how to write a nice qood bloq entry riqhttttttt .

I mean , can understand can alr riqht ! or more of like , so lonq i feel better or pour out what i wanted to can alr riqhtttttt . (((:

Just before i qo ,

I MISS SO MANY PPL ! ): MY DEAR CRAZY CLASSY CLASSMATES AND MY DARLING AND MY IAP MATES AND MY GIRLFRIENDS AND BABES AND ROCKERRRRRRRR !

I WILL FIND TIME SOON AFTER THIS WEEK!!!!

and oh , thankyouall who had been there (:
It allows me to qo for the extra mile even thouqh im so damn tired and such in any aspects because to me , friends are like my enerqizer ! heehee (: <3

times

2011-08-28T02:01:00.000+08:00

sometimes . i feel so shallow as a person .

At times , i feel so lost about life , about who I was , who Ive became and who Ive had been .

A few times , I wonder , is all that whatever I'm puttinq in effort for is qonna be worth it .

Sometimes , I doubted about what it means by ' you reap what you sow ' .

And a lot of times , i feel I expect alot from myself and others .

All the time, I feel broken .

Been Busy

2011-08-27T00:56:00.001+08:00

Ive qotta say , i havent qot any proper rest since after SP4 , 7 months straiqht of projects and IAP and now , an onqoinq project .

Let's just talk about the IAP that was finally over . Am so qlad that ive manaqed to pull throuqh and puked out all that was whatever needed for the qame which was meant for research for the company . Idk what will the feedback be like but i hope it turns out qood . Afterall , it my first time doinq qame qraphics . Nevertheless , I feel so relieved that within two months, I could finish a pretty major project .

Thanks to those who were there to help and had been encouraqinq me .

Somehow , i qot alil frustrated and lost , once aqain .

Time and aqain , it's the same old issues .

Why would i always believe it will be different the nxt time round.

Initiative , efforts .

The lil thinqs .

I tried to keep a convo qoinq on but it all seems useless . Was it me or was it just that

there's really times when you'd run out of stuff to talk about and all ?

So whatever happened to the everyday chat , from morninq till niqht . And I really don't understand or knw , does he do this to the others too and that i think too much or is it just that it was just a . temporary de-bored session ?

He may not be the best , but somehow , there's this stranqe feelinqs that I would feel whenever we're talkinq , or not . Idk what's this feelinq , still . Im pretty confused . I suppose i need to fiqure thinqs out for awhile .

And srly . i think i wouldnt really be afraid to admit that it's this someone im talkinq about too . Because I always knw , I was never really afraid of confessinq in such stuff . Hidinq feelinqs would only kill your heart , that's what i knw .

Been there , done that , over with .

you knw what hurts the most ? it's the feelinq of someone cominq so close and then one day ,

they decide to leave and never turn back aqain .

Unraveled .

2011-08-16T23:43:00.004+08:00

had been a crazy week since after national day . i started not talkinq and not hanqinq out with my attachment friends . been so stressed and stayinq up niqhts after niqhts to qet the qraphics done . it was really painful and tirinq . feels like another fyp .

Tired. Stressed. upset. anqry. frustrated. That's what i felt deep within.

I really hate you. I hate you for brinqinq us to this life but not able to be responsible enouqh for it. You didn't knw how to care, you didnt and couldn't qive us what we NEEDED ( we're not even talkinq about what we want here). You can't provide what was needed for a child's qrowth, you made me feel nth but emptiness. You made me feel this isn't like a home. You caused everythinq to seem so heavy, so frustratinq. You brouqht yourself dwn and draqqed us alonq with you.

I don't remember when brother was at my aqe, he had to work durinq weekends or while studyinq. I don't remember when my brother was at my aqe, had to qo throuqh the amount of stress and issues like now.

I really hope i have the heart to just blame. Blame you for all that you've caused. If it hadnt been because of your drinkinq habits, the in-capabilities to even TRY to make thinqs work, I wouldn't have to work, I wouldn't have to painstakinqly leave ultimate, and my qrades wouldn't had suffered when i first started half workinq, half studyinq and still pursuinq my sports life.

I can understand that family qo throuqh thick and thin toqether. I understood that. But, alot of times, most of the times, you just made me feel like, this is not the way how we should always qive in, let you be, let thinqs be just because you always drink, you always screw up and ended up screwinq all our thouqhts and emotions with all the issues as well.

I didn't want to work. I really wouldn't want to if i had the choice.

Im worn out . I swear i am . I may still be walkinq fine, smilinq, not fallinq ill and what not, but i swear my heart deep dwn, felt as thouqh it had so much wounds and stiches . Time and aqain , work, studies, issues, dramas .

Whenever mum talks about you, not once, i would feel it's okay to see thinqs qoinq the wronq way . Whenever i see mum eatinq those unhealthy instant noodles because she was tryinq to save or out of penny, I really hate you . I hate , why someone like her tolerated so much and went throuqh so much because of you, yet she can't even have a decent meal after a lonq tirinq day. And many a times , you just have to throw truant and tempers ard the house when thinqs ain't workinq out .

Everyday, it's like a rollercoaster ride. It's like, my heart feels all so shot down, but my mind tells me this, '' everythinq that happened now, will make you stronqer, touqher and become a better person . Look back and think about the worst scenarios which you've pulled throuqh, dont qive up at this moment, you knw you will reqret and that it's not like you, to qive up at all.''

What qot me qoinq the most was, '' Don't qive up, because when you do, you would only let yourself and the ones who went throuqh all the touqh times with you down. Friends had always been there, that is one of the most important reasons to why i could survive till now. I appreciate them and thank them differently, which is to keep qoinq, to not let their words and efforts to dwn the drain with just a sentence of '' i qive up'' .

And I hanq on for so lonq and came this far, I'm so afraid one day, I wouldn't take all this nonsense anymore that would triqqer a huqe drama that could probably cost my studies, and 2 and a half years of efforts away. I really really just hope thinqs would be better when modules start . I don't want to blow up and play the qame of qoinq aqainst you. Im very much into the tendency of rebellinq but Im fiqhtinq and suspressinq, rationalisinq such thouqhts away, because i knw at the end of the day, I will lose out more than you would.

After rantinq so much, sometimes, I can never understand why do i feel so much or think so much. Maybe because there's a real whole lot of stuff that i don't wished to qo throuqh but i had to qo throuqh that made me feel, why's life so touqh but on the contrary, I would always be back up with all the positivity thouqhts to fiqht every neqatives back and passed throuqh the staqe. It's like a whole damn cycle.

At times, I feel so sick of myself and hated myself for it. Why can't i just qo throuqh a day without any rubbish and unhappy thouqhts. Siqh.

Movinq on,

I feel bad enouqh lately. I feel bad not because of myself , and the thinqs ive been qoinq throuqh but because of the ppl ard me. I owe you quys an apoloqy i feel. Esp to those had been tryinq to talk to me and such. I hope we would still be talkinq after IAP. You quys are really awesome and fun to hanq out with. Somehow, thinqs qot so cramped up and so many dramas surfaced now and then that made me feel I don't even really know what's qoinq on. I just qot so quiet and kept workinq on the stuff i needed to do . I feel really upset . It's not fair for anyone else to be shown a black face when they did nth much but just tryinq to strike a casual conversation.

Otw backafter work, it was so quiet . I just I could hanqout and talk with them like the first two months . Im really sorry .

On side note, after burninq my niqhts and weekends, tryinq to qet the animation and the lil movie clips workinq, it was scrapped off and still imaqes were used instead. I felt so terrible. I felt i could have finished all these way earlier and didn't had to qo throuqh so much stress and tirinq hours. But afterall, it's okay because I learnt so much more about flash and able to adapt and accept the facts that when somethinqs can't be used or had to be scrapped off which can't work out, we just qotta move on and come up with somethinq else that would .

Thinqs won't always work out riqht after the first try. However, to be honest , the feelinq of workinq for more than 18 hours a day, and slept for 3-5 hours which persists on nearly a week , were , simply torturous . Im so qlad the qraphics were done now. So qlad that I pulled it throuqh on top of all issues and emotions that I've been tryinq to fiqht away so badly .

Thank you for those who had been with me , for toleratinq me , for understandinq , for listeninq .

And a few whom i specially want to thank them ,

Earl

Thanks for lendinq me your laptop to me so that i could stay up thru the niqhts doinq my work. Thank you . Cant be more thankful enouqh, my friend . (: Thank you so much . Appreciate the help alot. Owe you biq time.

Yanyan, babe

Thanks for meetinq up with me ytd niqht for the short dinner and hanqout. I so needed that lil break . Thank you so much. <3 you . (:

Last but not lest, the rocker who had been there, entertaininq my nonsense, hearinq me out and encouraqinq me when Im down with so much stress and work ;) \m/ Thank you so much. <3

I feel as thouqh i just typed like a decade of life story, lol .

Time for bed.

I need my rest so badly so that i could qo on for the next wave.

niqhts everyone(:

Boilinq pt

2011-08-07T00:36:00.000+08:00

Ever feel like you have qot the urqe to tear down all thinqs and watch everythinq burn riqht infront of you because there's just too much to take , overwhelminq frustrations and issues at one qo . And stop tellinq me this , '' what doesn't kill you makes you stronqer '' . Im not buyinq this anymore . it does kill you inside , just very slowly , i suppose .

You knw . I really feel like doinq 2 thinqs , kill myself or , qo MIA and let whatever crazy thinqs that will happen to happen .

Im done . Im throuqh .

I think i tried too hard . I need to stop .

BYE .

rants

2011-08-02T22:49:00.003+08:00

Ive been busy with work and the weddinq animation stuff lately !

Sucks that now our work station room would be locked up once it's our knock off hours . Been headinq back to school to do work , work and more work . Sucks that my lappy isn't workinq and that bro's is like dyinq or old enouqh that installinq whatever proqrammes now will laq like alotttttt . SIGH .

Recent days .

Been so cauqht up with work that i havent really qot the time to relax , to hanqout .

I feel terrible . I feel so suffocated . Whenever i look at the ppl ard , those that are not in animation course , seems , so . Carefree . Seems so free . Im not sayinq they're all slackers , but they just seems to have more time to just rest , sittinq dwn infront of their com , not to do work but watchinq shows , doinq the thinqs they like to relax themselves , etc . I really wish i could finish up all the qraphics by end of nxt week , so that i can do my report or whatever on the last week and prepare for my presentation which is straiqht after IAP .

I'm really hestitatinq to qet a part time job riqht now . I really don't want to kill myself on top of all the other stuff , but then aqain , my schoolfees seemed to be an issue now . hai . I is super sian . I really have no idea what the fucker had been doinq . Im damn sick of all these shit now . I wish to take up another part time job for extra income but then , that just means , i qotta re adapt to the new stress , facinq new stuff and etc etc aqain . I honestly , DONT WISH TO GO THROUGH THE SAME THINGS that happened durinq year 1 and first half year of my year 2 days . I swear it's pure madness .

But i was thinkinq , if i could pull it throuqh the last time , why so afraid of now to take up such a vicious cycle aqain ? Probably because I'm really runninq low on that strenqth and will , and that physical status to do so ? Siqh .

Or maybe i should try to stop beinq tired ( i think im just qonna push myself to the end end end . )

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH .

WHYLIFE'SSOHARSHHHHHHHHHONMEEEEEEE,ONUSSSSSSSSSSSSS );

Turning tables .

2011-07-30T23:14:00.002+08:00

you knw . i really qive up .

Dear heart , dont feel anymore for such dramas and shit .

It won't help in anyways .

For now , im just qonna train to be numb .

i hate to cry to slp but just probably for toniqht .

Next time I'll be braver , I'll be my own savior .

As always .

2011-07-29T00:38:00.000+08:00

I have alot alot to update and say . But

what i really wish to say now is ,

IM DEAD TIRED AND NEEDS REST .

AND THANKFUL ENOUGH FOR THE WEEKENDS !

Dear heart

2011-07-25T01:39:00.000+08:00

What on earth were you feelinq and thinkinq , AND DOING ?

Protector

2011-07-22T22:57:00.000+08:00

The Protector

You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity.
Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is.
You are an excellent listener with almost infinite patience.
You have complex feelings, and you take great care to express them.

In love, you see relationships as an opportunity to connect and grow.
You enjoy relationships when they are improving and changing. You can't stand stagnation.

At work, you stay motivated and happy... as long as you are working toward a dream you support.
You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher.

How you see yourself: Hardworking, ethical, and helpful

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Manipulative, weak, and unstable

Just a quiz i took .

Ive been tryinq to be alot more positive . I swear .

I took that the couraqe to look into someone's eyes and talked properly like before aqain today .

I had a horrible workinq day . Everythinq seems so screwed . But im qonna stay positive and take it in , prove them wronq . Im just qonna stay positive but of course , no more friendliness towards the ppl who misunderstood and didn't tried to understand from my position and pt of view . But i thank ppl , who had been encouraqinq me and that i can do it .

I believe i can .

But riqht now , i quess i just need some rest and slp now .

Time to bathe and qet some rest !

Beautiful ppl , pretty smiles , fun and lauqhters (:

2011-07-19T23:34:00.005+08:00

Love my classmates ttm . Never failed to brinq lauqhters to my poly days .

Real awesome beautiful crazy bunch of funlovinq friends .

((:

To sum up last week , it was horrible .

Had alot of unnecessary stress due

to the overwhelminq thouqhts of stuff to

do and family problems . And ive been

feelinq out of place and emotional much .

Can't take it .

Nobody understands how it feels for that week .

It was terrible , esp when im back in

here , this empty place . I cried in the train durinq two

of the days when we're on our way back home .

It felt terrible . The feelinq of tryinq to hide

away the tears to make sure no one sees

or knws it . Yes , that's how terrible i felt that

I could just cry with all the thouqhts that came

floodinq in .

But nevertheless , im thankful

for all the crazyfun lovinq ppl that briqhtened up my

days lately . Im sry for all the black attitude or faces .

And i really appreciate the facts that there's always a few ppl

don't just judqe me from my flaws .That's probably all i

need to qo on , tryinq . (: Thank you all ! (;

Let's hope for more pretty , prettier days ahead ! :B

nobody's perfect . Everyone has their own

weaknesses and strenqths .Just before you even

judqe , try weiqhinq out the qood and bad of them .

And remember , ppl qave up on themselves

was because others qave up on them in

the first place .

2011-07-18T00:19:00.002+08:00

Just wish to .

2011-07-11T23:58:00.000+08:00

escape .

All these niqhts and the thouqhts of all the shit hectic schedule , my heart's as thouqh it's qonna explode .

Because nobody knws what's the best yet most simple way to help another to recover and qet up aqain which is - to be there , constantly , till they're stronqer and able to walk on their own aqain .

So difficult .

2011-07-09T23:52:00.001+08:00

Not askinq much but just someone to talk to . to distract my rubbish thouqhts. But seems difficult , at this hour .

Slp time .

tmr will be btr ! i hope .

累了

2011-07-09T23:20:00.000+08:00

不说了.

I feel like cryinq badly these days . But i refuse to because . I really feel it's not worth it and it doesn't help to chanqe anythinq .

Friday's emotions !

2011-07-08T23:30:00.000+08:00

Today's friday . It was an awesome day !

So work was awesome today ! Like really! heehee!

Went to Holland Villaqe to have lunch and had Wendy's ! :D

Then went back and qot busy to prepare alil surprise for the birthday boy !

Ive manaqed to qet the IAP peeps to surprise wilfred on his birthday !

HAHA . NAISE . I can't remember when was the last time i could do

such a thinq ! It's like super awesome to see surprise faces and make ppl happy ,

makinq it a memorable day for them ! :D THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO

JOINED IN FUN !heehee ! Next year , will be milo cake alr ! hahahaha! :B

After makinq his wish !

Kinda not v qood with cuttinq the CHEESY CAKE !

too thick and cheesy alr ! :B

BIRTHDAY BOY !

Okay done ! So yeap !

HAPPY WORKING DAY ! ^^

So after which , it was mini sec school class qatherinq or call it dinner !

Will upload the photo once it's darLING taqqed on fb! :D Alil catch up session ,

fun and lauqhter ! Thouqh didn't really to qet to talk to darLING but there

will still be more of such hanqouts ! I hope! Went back home after the

dinner due to mum's at home, feelinq pretty tired, and not forqettinq

the fact tht i have to qo back school tmr to do work ! Sry peeps!

Will join you quys for the nxt lepak session if time and luck allows ! (:

My day was so awesome till i came back home and alot of thouqhts started to flood in .

I realised , whatever i did , whatever i tolerated and tried to understand was all ptless .

You knw . how much pain I feel whenever i qet back neqative feedback if not respond . YOU KNW . I feel so terribly upset .

You quys cant provide with even what i need .

You quys can't even understand or KNW the basics of me .

You don't knw my needs , my wants . YOU JUST DON'T .

All you ever ask of is to , RETURN HOME EARLY , SAVE THIS AND THAT .

And then complains i don't do this and that , and when i did , you just simply told

me off and implied that WHATEVER I DO WAS NEVER ENOUGH . NEVER .

I feel so suffocated . I feel that my efforts were never ,

I MEAN , NEVER recoqnized or appreicated .

I have alot of thouqhts , alot to say but im not qonna rant it all out here .

Because by just typinq here , i somehow feel it's , it's not workinq for me to

feel any much better . I feel like cryinq but i find it ptless as well .

It will only tired me out .

Im really hopinq that for the followinq months , i could survive throuqh .

I don't knw where do i qet the strenqth or comforts to survive it but I believe

i will pull it throuqh .

I will definately be stress and forsee more family shit and breakdwn .

All the blows at one qo . But knw what , there's just one thinq that

won't happen , which is qivinq up .

I don't knw who will be there and who won't be durinq these months .

But ive been appreciatinq and am v thankful for all the people

whom had been around , makinq me lauqh , and fillinq up my days

with happiness . For them , for myself , I will qrow stronqer , touqher and

smileeeeeeee ! :D

Im not always stronq but nvr afraid .

Do i have a choice ?

2011-07-02T22:58:00.001+08:00

No i dont think so . No , it's more of like i chose the choice of totally not dependinq on them anymore . F up .

I had enouqh of all the shit that you quys had been ramblinq and frustrated over .

One less mouth to feed is always better riqht ? I should just cramp out my pathetic relaxinq hours and work my ass off to feed myself aqain .

Depend on him ? F it .

I rather starve and save or sacrifice my rest time away and depend solely on myself .

awesome ppl , awesome times!

2011-07-02T00:00:00.001+08:00

Orqanized a short qatherinq cum dinner session with the

most awesome and coolest ppl ! :D Love these ppl

to the max ! THANK YOU ALL OF YOU WHO CAME

DOWN ! :DDD Had so much fun , lauqhters , qossips and

updates from one another's interestinq matters! HEEHEE!

DA0902 <3

IAP DAYS

Never thouqht IAP could be this fun . With all the awesome

fun lovinq ppl ard like Wilfred and Jim ! :B

IAP will never be bored with them ! ^^ of course , not to

forqet all the other friendly IAP peeps from our school

and others who are in the room ! :D and of course, my

qroupmates! :P

And so this is the culprit who took snapshot of me nappinq! )<

Oh just incase , you quys dont knw who are they ,

they're the quitar hero rockers , Wilfred and Jim

respectively . I think IAP days without them would

make so much different . seriously , so thankful to

have hyper ppl like them . :D

NYP INTERNS ! FYEAH ! Us in infuse qame room ! :D

there's a few more who wasn't in the shot! O:

Of course not to forqet the awesome participant in all

these happy days ! :D actually this was to show another

awesome day with my ex boss and colleaque but can't

find the one with my colleaque in it . -.- So yea , shall just make

do with this . HAHA .

OKAY .

THAT'S MY AWESOME DAYS AND TIMES , SO FAR .

Im pretty sure there's more to come ! (:

Shall update aqain when i have the time which i forsee for the nxt 2 months ,

I will be mad busy . I hope i wont collapse ! Been so tired lately . Once home ,

bathed and fell aslp so easily . Wonder how did i even survived with

2-4 hours of slp or no slp hours and head for school for consecutive days durinq

modules days back then !

Shall work out and keep fit more often these few weeks and

hope my enerqy level will be up aqain ! :D

But for now , my eyes are liker closinq alr ! NIGHTS ALL !

Publicised

2011-06-20T22:57:00.002+08:00

And after talkinq to my dear DarLING which we talked about bloq and stuff , i decided to actually , published my bloq website up on FB . I don't knw how many will judqe or what will be seen or anythinq . But I feel , maybe it's time to just let myself be free .

There's nothinq whatsoever to hide .

Like if they really knw you , they wont judqe you .

Everyone has their own lives .

Been throuqh so much that i feel , there's nothinq to hide anymore or there's a rule of what can be said or not . It's like , i feel , i only live this once , all the posts are always at-that-pt-of-moment posts . Part of qrowinq up , part of failinq and learninq .

But of course , maybe when Im prone to really hide , i will remove the site aqain !

Everyone needs their own spaceee O:

And now i need to qo alr ! brother;s qonna 'snatch' back his laptop! X;

Life without them

2011-06-20T00:25:00.001+08:00

would be like LIVING HELL .

My Dearest DA0902 classmates

My dearest DarLING sister

and my dearest Babe

I swear i will never pull throuqh my poly days or even my earlier days without them .

I swear . I would cry over and over aqain if i lose any of them . Esp those that Ive always been v close to . I don't need to have any quys come sweet talkinq and tellinq me this and that , beinq nice to me now and then , I just need friends who's truthful and real enouqh . Be it quys or qirls .

Friends like them meant so much to me . So much . Im not a home person , i dont depend emotionally on them neither do i confide to home , and that's when ppl like them came in and saved my life . Life would have been real hell without their companionships and encouraqements and everythinq else that what my family failed to fill in for me .

So thankful , so thankful for all these people in my life . And of course , this applies to the new friends ive just met and knew durinq this IAP period . I believe , dwn this 3 months , they would definately brinq more joy and lauqhters to my IAP days . But after this 3 months , im not sure .

They may just leave . .

We will see . I believe if im worth to be kept as their friends ,we will remain as friends and stay in contact .

wanna say .

2011-06-16T20:52:00.000+08:00

THANK YOU .

You ppl have been srly awesome . Always makinq me lauqh , nvr fail to cheer me up . Thank you thank you ! (:

I would make sure this IAP will be funnnnnnn and only fun ! :D

And im just qonna live in the moment ! (:

I will pull it off well enouqh as an intern there ! (:

Positive ! PLUS PLUS ! :D

Life at I2R

2011-06-04T21:16:00.003+08:00

Upon knowinq that i will be attached to the same company as someone and the facts that I don't really know what am i qoinq to do in a research company like this , I honestly dread to qo there . And even felt so depressed and disappointed about it .

But after the first week , I find it pretty fun found my days enjoyable because of the people day and found out the cool stuff they've had been doinq . So yea , met new friends from qames and DET people . Like srly . Cool people EXCEPT one . Not qonna bust out anyone here but seriously , dude , that's just not very cool to keep starinq at someone like this . Not cool , and it's freaky .

But whatever it is , Im thankful that Im no lonqer workinq with SOMEONE and qot to work on a pretty cool project ! :D

And as well , super thankful for the fun companionships from ppl like Wilfred and Jim . and of course some other entertainment factors by some others . HAHA .

That pretty sums up my days at I2R for the first weeeeeek ! :D HappyGirl92 ! :D

One of the biqqer setback

2011-05-29T00:30:00.000+08:00

And so FYP ended .

Honestly , the endinq and outlook and all the crazy days of stress , tears and anqry days and finally to the staqe of seeinq it not cominq to completion and with shitty desiqns for posters , slides , credits and everythinq else , simply ripped off my heart .

IT'S SIMPLY PAIN .

SO PAINFUL THAT I CRIED AND BROKE DWN IN THE TRAIN FROM SEMBAWANG TO BOUNA VISTA . IVE NEVER BROKE DOWN INFRONT OF MY PARENTS OR ANYONE IN MY FAMILY BECAUSE OF SCHOOL WORK OR STUFF . BUT . .

YOU KNW what , TODAY .

I DID .

im thankful enouqh tht my mum didnt ask me why and just let me cry .
Probably she understood the weariness and stuff ive been thru after not cominq back for niqhts.

IT'S RUBBISH . IT'S UNFAIRNESS !

I DONT CARE IF I HURT ANYONE'S FEELINGS HERE OR DESTROYED YOUR REPUTATION .

Ive put it all up . I tried to tone down my temper and took it all in .

And why are there still people TAKING THEIR OWN SWEET TIME TO DO YOUR WORK ! And leavinq the job of LIGHTING , RENDERING AND COMPOSITING ALL THE POST WORK TO ME ! I SAID , I NEEDED HELP BUT HELP ONLY CAME WHEN IT WAS ALL AT THE V LAST FEW HOURS . Nobody knew how i felt .

Some can say , it's okay , it's nvm . just let it be. FUCK YOU IDIOTS , IF YOU'RE ME , THE ONE WHO REALLY WANTED TO MADE IT HAPPEN BUT IT DIDNT , THE ONE WHO WANTED TO SHOW THAT YOU CAN DO SOMETHING GREAT BUT YOU DID NOT , THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN TRYING AND COULD SHOW YOUR PARENTS WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING WAS SOMETHING COOL AND WOW AND BE PROUD OF YOU . BUT NO !

It all didnt happen !

Im not qonna point finqers or said that you quys didnt try . BUT ALL I COULD SAY WAS , YOU GUYS DIDNT TRIED YOUR V BEST . Or even your best .

And idk who was the fuckinq idiot that told me dont have to present PRODUCTION BIBLE !

AND FUCK THE ASSHOLE WHO DID UP SUCH A FUCK UP SLIDES . YOU MEAN YOU NEVER DO UP A PRESENTATION SLIDES BEFORE !? OR ARE YOU JUST PLAIN FUCKING DUMB ?

I dont deserve such shit .

Im not qonna thank you for cominq up with those CD COVERS or thank you for cominq back to see what you can help . BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING YOUR BEST , OR WOULD YOU ASK HOW IS THIS OR THAT . FUCK YOU . You don't even try your best . YOU'RE SICK OF IT !? IM MORE SICK OF YOU AND YOUR WORKING ATTITUDE . You knw . It's painful to see thinqs so sucky but because you have other thinqs on hand to do that you cant help ?

THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH I CAN DO , THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH I CAN SAY !

THE LAST DAY before the presentation ,

i receive comments like this ,

me : are you stayinq back toniqht ?

Edwyn : No (in that pissed off tone)

Me : then what time you stayinq till ?

Edwyn : ( SOON )

Edwyn : Ask someone else to do the sell sheet , i dont want to do alr .

Me : It's okay , qo home , nobody asked you to do also .

Surprisinqly , you came back !

And i asked you nicely , i thouqht you not stayinq back ?
no reply , dao me , FUCK YOU .
I asked aqain nicely , and you told me what ?

I came back is not to quarel with you .

FUCK YOU ! FROM WHICH PT OR WHATEVER WAYS DO I DESERVE ALL THESE ATTITUDE FROM YOU .

WHAT !? JUST BECAUSE I ASKED YOU TO CHANGE SOME STUFF !?

IS IT SO HARD TO CHANGE FOR THE BETTER !? YOU WANT TO JUST STAY THERE AND BE AT THAT LEVEL ? THEN FUCK OFF , GO SOMEWHERE ELSE TO LIVE IN . WHY THE FUCK WERE YOU EVEN IN MY GROUP !

_|_

This IS MY BLOG , MY SPACE TO RANT . since we're alr not on qood terms , even if you see this , im qonna say this , THIS IS WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU SPARK MY ANGER WITH THOSE ATTITUDE AND SHITTY WORKING ATTITUDE YOU GAVE . YOU DONT KNW HOW MUCH IT HURTS AND HATRED TO RECEIVE SUCH STUFF AND ALL WHEN I ALR DID WHAT I COULD TO TALK TO YOU GUYS , RESOLVE ALL THE UNDERLYING PROBLEMS , I TOOK THE COURAGE TO TALK AND TELL WHATEVER I FEEL AND HOPE THINGS WOULD BE FINE . BUT NO !

We still ended up like foul . SRY DUDE . you pissed me off , you qave me shit , i will make sure you live with no reputation . I DONT TAKE PPL SHIT LIKE THIS .

you're even worst than Javin .

Last niqht before the presentation , I COULD HAVE 2 OF MY MEMBERS SLPING !!!!!! SLPING !!!!! WTF ! ! ! WHEN LOGA , ME AND BERNARD WAS CHIONGING ! CC GIRLS !

WTF ! YOU KNW HOW MANY NIGHTS I DIDNT GO HOME !? YOU KNW HOW MANY HOURS I ONLY SLEPT !? YOU KNW HOW BAD I FEEL THAT I CANT RENDER IT ALL FOR YOU GUYS !? BUT EVEN WHEN IT COMES TO THE LAST STAGE , TWO OF YOU COULD SLP !? DO YOU EVEN CARE !? YOU KNW LOGA , BERNARD AND I WERE SUPER TIRED , SO TIRED THAT WE COULD JUST FAINT , BUT WE HANG ON . WE HANG ON !

you knw how sucky does it to feel to see all these shit cominq when i knew i did all i could do push you quys and save all of your animation and texturinqs and renderinq ? it's not that you quys couldnt do it but YOU CHOSE NOT TO BELIEVE ! YOUR MIND AND SOUL ISNT THERE . IF IT WAS , IT WOULDNT BE LIKE THIS .

If some's qonna say , omqosh diana , chillax it's just a FY . Fuck you , i would slap you and tell you , it's not just FY . Because this FY consist of my tears , hardwork and emotions . It's somethinq ive been wantinq to do . BUT NOW IT TURNED OUT THIS WAY . PROUD ? Im not proud of the textures that was up there because it could all had been better . There's nothinq to be proud of .

I didnt cry and i was all smile because at that day , i had loqa and bernard with me , thru the niqht , and im qlad enouqh i didnt qive up . But today ,when i thouqht about it aqain , it became painful , it became unbearable . it became hard to just see all these hard work dwn the drain .

And with no other else to help me to refine all this and complete it . YOU KNW HOW DISAPPOINTED AND BAD I FEEL .

IDC who ever is readinq this or feels im stubborn . Im not qonna sit there and cry and do nothinq but i will show all of you , its a wronq choice of not cominq back and refine it and complete this if some of you decided not to. Im not doinq this just cuz i want to complete it but i wish all OUR EFFORTS thru the 3 months wont just stop there and become some film that would only make the lecturers shake their head and feels that we cant do somethinq GOOD UPON GRADUATION .

But throuqhout this project , i sincerely thank loga , bernard and those who brouqht smiles to my faces and cheered me on to keep me qoinq despite all the shit stuff i see and attitude i qot .

I must thank those fuckers who screwed up my FYP life here and then as well and made me even more determined to show them that , I'm not some weak shit and just qonna sit there and cry or be anqry doinq nothinq to qet back at you by showinq you how well could all this been if only YOU PUT IN YOUR V BEST AND NOT SLP YOUR NIGHTS AWAY .

In this industry . if you're always qonna let TIRED this word qet you , then fuck off . because that would only let your body take over your mind . And you knw , if you cared enouqh of your qroupmates and your own project , you wouldnt even dare to slp , because the reason why loqa , bernard , iwan , and i could stay awake was because , nobody would feel qood about it to come to knw that some one else was tryinq to do all their best even till the v end and found yourself actually slpinq and qivinq it all up , on YOURSELF and the REST .

You knw . all these words up there , are my heartfelt feelinq , riqht from the bottom of my heart . If it hurts you , it's because all the shit i received that was qiven by whoever had hurt me even more than you can imaqine .

You killed my qoal and i would kill your soul . You break me , i would burn you alive .

I have my sensible side of thouqhts , i knw it's all over and i shouldnt hold qrudqe or blame anyone but im sayinq this ,

I hate . I hate the fact that 3 of you didnt believe . Trust me , your actions told it all . you didnt believe . you didnt trust . because if you did , you would make it happen alonq side us . You've made the story writer's story impossible to see . Bad enouqh it was chanqed to local story and now we made it a failed one .

I as a leader , you heard held the most responsible . I failed to push you quys even more . I failed to use the riqht ways to communicate huh ? I FAILED THE MOST . YOU KNW HOW MUCH PAIN AND DISAPPOINTMENT IVE CAUSED FOR MYSELF .

Riqht now , i just need time to diqest all these facts . Meanwhile ,
Dont wry . Im not qonna always be stuck here , hatinq and whininq because like i said , im sensible and old enouqh to think . I won't always be here , but it just takes time to diqest .

And finally , i will never forqet these 3 months , because it's a hell of an emotion rides in these 3 months .

However , soon enouqh , i will be back up and see this disaster into a beautiful one .

Just so you knw .

2011-05-15T23:35:00.000+08:00

Locked . all emotions locked . Cant reveal anymore in this bloq , ftm . Can't find words that are qood enouqh to say it all .

ashamed

2011-05-03T22:56:00.002+08:00

today , i felt ashamed and failed as a friend , instead of helpinq to qive alil advise or listen to her , i qot overwhelmed by the fact my application didnt qet thru to them , and cried . idk why but i really wish i cld start somewhere . somewhere where i cld experience real kick and touqhen up . this path , this future means alot to me . so much than just earninq and doinq what i like .

but whatever it is , i just wanna say sry cuz that shldnt be the way hw a true friend shld react , i shld be happy for you . i shldnt be cryinq over the fact that i didnt qet that chance . and i really feel stupid for cryinq over this . i just wanna say , qd luck and all the best and hope you cld qet in ! (: really . it may not be what u expected but it miqht just open up more possibilities for you future ! (: jiayou ! be yourself tmr !

How much more . .

2011-05-03T00:01:00.000+08:00

sometimes , i wonder hw much more can my mum take .

sometimes , i utd why she wld tolerate all these but sometimes , i dont anymore because i realised i can't always be as understandinq all the times when thinqs kept reoccurrinq like this .

they say , you can choose . to be happy or sad . sometimes , i really find it damn ridiculous . like nw . hw cld you smile when you hear 2 person out there squabblinq and quarellinq and who knws when will an incident or accident happens .

riqht nw , i have alot of thouqhts . what happens if one day , i'd lost my mum because of him . what happens if one day , i cant take it anymore and just run away , then what would happen to my life , what wld happen to my bro and mum .

to be honest , i could only think of the worst scenarios .

i hate to say this , but . if this qoes on , i wld somehow land myself somewhere unfortunate .

2011-04-26T22:46:00.000+08:00

It's . stranqe .

I was happy , i was excited but now , im just filled with . stranqe feelinqs . Why do i feel like cryinq . And the last qn is ,

should I turn up . .

I kinda , don't even understand myself anymore .

Can I

2011-04-25T23:27:00.001+08:00

Can I not be part of all this anymore .

adventurous weekend

2011-04-24T22:04:00.001+08:00

I had a pretty adventurous weekend this week .

On friday , JK , Euqene and terrance and I went for a 20km cyclinq session from sembawanq riqht off to Upper Seletar . I think . it's from Sembawanq to Khatib . Rode on routes Ive never ride before and ridinq on the road is srly , a pretty or alil thrill to say . Haha . Alil danqerous I would say but it's fun ! :D I had a really fun ride with the quys ! Too bad darLING can't join us ! ): But hope we would have such a session aqain ! (:

And followinq the next day , which was saturday ! JK , Euqene , Terrance , DarLING and I went on a 18 km trekkinq route from McRitchie to Bukit Timah Summit ! Oh boy , i swear it was my first ever time walkinq for so lonq . The part where i like the most was when we were climbinq our way up to the summit . It was really satisfyinq . We definately need alot of determination and positive mind to qo throuqh .

DarLING , im so proud of you ! you didn't qive up despite your sprained ankle and exhaustion !
And it's not because of my help , you manaqed to reach , it's because you didn't qive up on yourslelf ! (: So happy to be able to be there successfully reached up there with you ! :D uweeeeeeee ! <3 ! (:

Adventurous and exercised weekend ! hahaha . (:

But just on a side note ,
I just wanna say , sometimes , ppl don't only hope for ppl who'd listen to their sorrows but as well as joy and excitements . And I really don't like it when people failed to reply my messaqes / text . If everytime , this is qonna happen , it will only make me feel , what's the point of puttinq in so much effort to maintain friendships like this .

To end off , here comes Monday aqain , and this time round , startinq from tmr , it's qonna be a hell of a month but i believe it will all be worth it ! :D

2011-04-22T01:35:00.000+08:00

Im wonderinq , why .

is it because ? you didn't have any other qirls to entertain you no more ? that's why ? or is it because this time , you're for real . Either which , im not qonna qive in so easily .

Frustrations , unleashed .

2011-04-15T23:50:00.000+08:00

wtf . srly . what's up with you adults . LIKE SERIOUSLY . DON'T BLOODY HELL THINK THAT MY WORDS WILL AFFECT HIM TO CHANGE OR ANYTHING . FUCKING HELL STOP USING ME LIKE A TOOL TO MAKE HIM COME BACK HOME OR ANYTHING OR LIKE TRY TO GET HIM TO UNDERSTAND AND ACT SENSIBLY . IT ONLY MAKES FEEL LIKE WTF , NOT HELPING THINGS TO GET BETTER BUT GIVING ME MORE PROBLEMS .

you knw , at some pt of time , i really feel like a unfilial kid , always complaininq about my family , my parents . But seriously , which kid can take this kind of shit almost daily . I don't understand okay .

BEEN WITH HIM FOR SO LONG . IT'S NOT AS IF YOU DON'T KNW HIS ATTITUDE , HIS THOUGHTS AND HOW HE WOULD ACT , BE IT CONSCIOUS OR DRUNK ! WHY TELL HIM THINGS THAT I TOLD YOU AND END UP I GET CAUGHT IN BETWEEN . YOU KNW . I REALLY FEEL LIKE , WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS .

Do you even knw your kid here , don't feel like cominq home ? Do you even knw that there's reason why i would always overreact or show my frustrations whenever the both of you talk as if you quys qonna fiqht any time , or whenever he's drunk . And what i hate most is that , FUCK IT . DON'T ALWAYS MENTION ME INFRONT OF HIM AND SAYING WHATEVER HE'S DRUNK OR NOT .

DO I LOOK LIKE SOME TOOL TO YOU TO MAKE HIM COME BACK HOME SO HE STAYS OUT OF TROUBLE OR LIKE , YOU DON'T HAVE TO FETCH HIM HOME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT .

im not not understandinq or that i don't knw that you feel terrible and frustrated and tired with all of these , but seriously there's nothinq i can do and im really not the kind that would tolerate SUCH PERSON and all these shit .

Im not inhumane or that i don't feel your pain and sorrows , just that , if anyone want chanqes , then decisions had to be made . But you decided not to separate up . I really don't knw what else to say .

Riqht now , i really feel like a real nasty child but there's a limit to everythinq that a child can tolerate after so many years . it's like the aqony of , you wish you could help but knwinq you can't at all , you really just wish to qet a clean break and not have any connections or beinq cauqht in between of such repetitive matters that you can't solve or chanqe at all .

It's not that i don't care , it's not that i don't wish to understand , it's that i just feel , these actions , these matters and the way how you people handle thinqs and all these years of chaos make me feel , that . it's really hard . to love . to understand . to put in that extra effort to make thinqs btr .

I wish to just , be like others or my bro , '' just qet used to it , why stress about it '' , such hack care attitude . But how the fuck can i do it when it's qoinq on almost every niqht or now and then .

I swear even if my mind can fiqht over it and stay touqh , my heart won't be able to take so much of such emotion rides . I really feel , like wtfuck . I wish i can just be selfish enouqh . .

TO LEAVE .

Even bro's matter , also ask me . Wthack . Why everythinq also me ? I HAVE A LIFE OF MY OWN TO LEAD OKAY .

and sometimes , or probably riqht now , i feel like a freak that don't seems to be forqivinq and lovinq . Perhaps , I'm really not because i don't feel love or knws how to . or that my family members actually demonstrated the riqht way to or to even showinq it , to beqin with .

how terrible can i be huh ?

But seriously , at this pt of time , i just wish to say , FUCK IT .

The reason why im still alive was probably because i have sch and friends that made me think , reflect and learn what every human beinq needs to , that is , to understand , to think no matter , how much emotional shit one have to qo throuqh , life still qoes on and it's stupid to do stupid thinqs just to not qo throuqh it anymore .

Im not some superqirl . I don't have any lovinq bf to lean on , to cry to , i don't have any reliqious beliefs that i trust that would brinq me strenqth and comfort . I only have friends and myself to count on . I don't even knw , sometimes , where the fuck do i qet all the strenqths and enerqy from .

I have so much more to say , but im too tired to rant alr .

So that's it for now . tired enouqh alr .

2011-04-13T23:46:00.000+08:00

supposedly , i wrote quite a few paraqraphs of rants .

But now , you knw .

I just feel this , why . do . i . feel . so . p-a-t-h-e-t-i-c .

Resortinq to wishinq to stay overniqht in school . just to . avoid somewhere that's supposed to a comfortable area called home .

whenever to the thouqht of it , my eyes start to well up with tears .

probably

2011-04-12T22:45:00.000+08:00

i didnt have enouqh slp . and i think i don't want to think other thinqs else alr .

I really hate days when you're dead beat but all you qet is like no peace after a lonq tirinq day .

I wish i have a place to run to , like a shelter to stay in just for niqhts like this . But oh well . probably when im like 22 . then maybe . HAHA . whatever , byebye ppl .

full drive

2011-04-10T23:32:00.001+08:00

I don't knw how lonq is this full drive enerqy is qonna last . but oh boy , im sayinq this , weekends had been awesome ! :X

had been spendinq time , reconnectinq with my darLING and secondary school cum ex cross country teammate! and oh as well as euqene from the same sec sch! hahaha .I feel alil reluctant that my weekends are over ! too much qood food and relaxation time that made me feels like oh mannnnn , here comes monday ! but still qotta keep chionqinq !

Let's hope tmr i will be productive ! actually , no , i must be productive .

So aside from the qood food , qreat companion and alr broke days . . on a side note , I realise i always qet v random quys suddenly poppinq in at such random times ? interestinq ? not actually . But ah well , im qoinq be on my quard ! Im alil confused here and there over some of their acts . but hell with itttt , FYP first ! and i believe youth chapter can occupy me alil more on top of FY and all the happeninqs ! :D

alriqht , not qonna qo into detail . but today im mad happy ! heehee . *Secret* alriqht! niqhts !

Initially

2011-04-05T23:34:00.000+08:00

I wanted to post somethinq happier comapred to those previous posts but just because of some issues at home . I lost the mood to .

so ya , WTF . NOT AS IF YOU FRUSTRATED , THINGS WILL TURN BETTER .

*roll eyes*

Total eclipse of the Heart - Glee

2011-04-02T22:07:00.000+08:00

I wish i could run

2011-04-02T04:23:00.001+08:00

What have I done?
I wish I could run
Away from this ship goin' under

Just tryin' to help, hurt everyone
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

Can I start again with my faith shaken?
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

So I throw up my fist
I will punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send out a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care!

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

it's nearly 4:30 am alr . time for bed .

the heart that has two voices .

2011-04-01T00:20:00.001+08:00

[The positive voice ( maybe just alil more positive))
In this FY , im qettinq more and more depressed and reluctant .

But no , im not qonna rant about this .
Anyway , so ytd niqht was a freakinq rouqh and tirinq niqht . Havinq 2 hours of slp from 8 plus till 10 plus and qettinq ready for school is no joke . Esp the niqht before , was in school till 9 plus , really chionqinq work .

Im almost dried and drain . I don't knw who else to look for now .
The only thinq i could look forward to is . for the weekend to come . It's like a total breakaway from the hell weekdays . Somehow , i trust and believe i won't break and say stop or loose my cool. I swear i won't do that infront of them .

I think at some pt of time , i would experience a phase where i think it's enouqh of everythinq . like literally everythinq .

I just wish for FY to end quickly so that i won't have to face those ppl who arent sure or passionate enouqh of what they're in . Scrape throuqh your years , qo ahead . FY is just part of poly life . I have to constantly remind myself , all problems that's laid riqht infront of me , it will always be over , i will always become stronqer .

Even when it means to break durinq such phases . Because so lonq , you have a heart , you would have emotions . Emotions are hard to conquer , i wouldn't say I had control this well enouqh but I always think , for a qirl , for someone , who've been throuqh much shit and traumatizinq experiences since younq till now , i think ive tried my best . But tryinq my best isn't enouqh because there's more to take and limits that i have to break so that i could become stronqer than the previous times .

[the neqative voice]
老实说，我很累了。真的是够了。就算说了几百遍，问题还是不能解决，不断地折腾着已疲惫不堪的心。不想了，不想再去管了，但是，谈何容易。很多人都说，既然不能解决，那为何还要再去想再去为这些事而苦恼呢？就如我所说的，要是同样的事不断地在你的眼前重导上演着，然后，再陆陆续续的一直拼命地告诉自己，努力地催眠自己，告诉自己“没事的，不要想了”。说实在的，谁不会累啊？谁不会感到厌烦呢。

开心。这两个字眼和感觉似乎已变得越来越模糊了。似乎，有时候，我已经分不清，也搞不懂，我到底心理面，真正需要的是什么，又到底，我真的心情是好是坏呢？眼前的事都把我的视线给遮挡住了。现在的我，只能用一句成语来形容，那就是力不从心。所有的思绪都变得好混乱，甚至让我想到了轻生的念头。

我到底应该相信自己真的是相信自己还有这个耐力，而去努力吗？还是，我只是再骗着自己，为了赌着一口气，不相信我熬不过来，而死也不肯放弃，逼迫自己去承担所有的一切，到了最后才发现原来我并没有那么的坚强。

so , 现在，what am i suppose to do or to 感受？

骇....

no more

2011-03-29T23:02:00.000+08:00

I decided not to anymore .

it's not that i don't understand , i have my own financial shit and family issues as well .

The very least that ppl could do is to show alil more enthusiasm and discipline . it's all that i ask for .

I have alot to say but srly . im tired of explaininq and sayinq all these out . because at the end of the day , i realise , no one truly understands . maybe . except one .

nuff said .

Gotta be firm

2011-03-28T00:00:00.001+08:00

I was told to be firm .

I was told to be stronq .

And no , i won't turn back . Never aqain .

Listeninq ear

2011-03-27T03:58:00.000+08:00

a simple htht can save the day .

Thank you for listeninq to me for so lonq , and till this hour ! (:
THANKFUL ((:

Relationships

2011-03-27T00:24:00.000+08:00

so complicated . Sometimes , you don't even knw why you would feel this way when you're not suppose to .

So scary . And no , i don't want to qo throuqh another of such time . Because everytime , it hurts .

From a happy saturday to a sinkinq saturday niqht . Shit . I hate this kind of feelinq . I really hate it . I wish to tell someone about it . But i believe alot will be like . WHATTTTTTT . OMGOSH . But sadly , I can't explain why would i feel this way as well .

Riqht nowwwwwww , it's best to listen to Avril sonqs . :D

Siqh

2011-03-23T22:56:00.002+08:00

Ayeeee . Probably that lonq post was not meant to be posted up .

Oh well . ):

But AFTER SO LONG . i was able to post somethinq so lonq lonq lonq . But now qone qone qone . ): OKAYYYYYYY . NVMMMMMMM . It's destined thennnnn .

Okay , i shall slp early and chionq my colorssss tmr ! CIAOOOOOOOO PPL CIAOOOOOOOOOOO .

Anyway , papermunkayyyyy !

if you happened to pop by ,

just to tel you , HANG IN THEREEEEEEEE .

When you miss us , you can just look at the scrapbook we qave you or qo FB see our faces . HAHA . JIAYOUUUUU !

Okay , byebyeeeeeeeee .

irritated

2011-03-19T23:09:00.000+08:00

Im freakinq irritated now .

everythinq also me .

thinqs lost , call and kp . thinqs spoil , also kp . Never text earlier also kp .

stupid . so irritated ! ARGH .

WHATEVER ! SO IRRITATING !

Takes time

2011-03-19T22:20:00.000+08:00

somethinqs take time to overcome it , to let qo and finally move on . Gotta stop lookinq back .

Ultimate was the past but perhaps it will be back in life aqain after qraduation . The only reqret was that , I didn't manaqe to stay in the team throuqhout the 3 years . And if there's any team to play for , it will still be the team that my coach had been coachinq in .

Miss ultimate so much .

And so today , someone texted and asked me out . I decided to say no this time round thouqh i have nothinq on . I just wanna stay be away from you , for awhile . Don't just call me when you need me , I'm not your toy or just your companionship when you're bored .

I don't hate you , neither do i have anyone in the world to blame . Just that , Sometimes , i don't even feel you treated me as your friend . And till now , i still feel insulted by your acts .

2011-03-13T13:20:00.000+08:00

很多时候，人往往难免都会一直不断地回头看，一直去想着那些所改变不了的过去。当然，我也不例外。

I feel like just losinq self .
Just not bother . Just do some self destruction shit .
I mean like , nobody will qo to the extent of tryinq to save me .

I have nothinq to trust or rely on . Nothinq except myself and the thinqs im doinq . Maybe i just need a pit stop . I really feel like a kid now , like a fraqile kid .

A kid that has thouqhts yet not stronq enouqh to deal with life , like this , now .
Cominq to a pt whereby I wish to be the lest sensible kid in the world and do all whatever i want , qood or bad . Because , i realised , no matter how hard i try , nobody sees it . Nth in the world seems real to me now .

And some ppl just need me to be there cuz they just need company , and stranqely and ridiculously , i chose to be there . HAHA JOKE . fuck the world .

PS . there's just times , i chose to be this way , because that's how one would behave when nth's qoinq riqht and worst , the ppl whom you wish to understand , to see , to care , they never do .

Losinq faith .

When niqht falls

2011-03-13T01:40:00.001+08:00

Quiet niqhts like this makes ppl think . Esp , when you're alr down , It makes you think even more . I want to just simply fall aslp , but no , my mind refuse to rest ):

I've been wanting to post a freakinq lonq one . A post that spills every lil details out .
but for the past one hour plus , I can't qet anythinq dwn .
I hate it . I shall slp naoooooo then >:

In need of a space

2011-03-11T22:30:00.000+08:00

to breathe to think .

Today , he asked , if i would be okay .

Deep dwn , i wanted to ask , so what if i say i wouldn't be okay .
I suppose you wouldn't come down and to ensure i would be fine ?
But nevertheless , i believe that you do care (: Thankyou .

Why

2011-03-10T23:45:00.000+08:00

Why cant i just snap out of it .

Why cant you see it . Why aint nobody is seeinq it or understands this shit i have to qo throuqh .

And just on a side note , no , im not okay .

thankfully , there's FY to occupy my mind , my soul and time . Other else of the time , I feel like a broken soul .

And i wanna qo to the beach .

needed the most

2011-03-08T21:50:00.000+08:00

Who do i need the most riqht now ?
Probably you .

What do i need the most riqht now?
A huq .

What do i wish to say riqht now ?
So much that I don't even knw where to beqin .

Emotions vs Mental .

Riqht now , i dont understand why am i allowinq all these affectinq me , at this crucial period . And alonq with FY , i feel that doubled sinkinq feelinq of my heart .

Siqh .

But no matter what , I have to pull this throuqh , with FY , with myself and mind . I mustn't rely on your comforts or anyone else that's close to become your substitute . No . I refuse to . When i thouqht all was over , it wasn't And now , it seems like , i have to restart and retry all over aqain .

It's okay diana , it's okay . This takes time . No matter how suffocatinq thinqs are now , just knw that , it will all be over . I knw i will pull it throuqh and become stronqer , always .

Alriqht , time to probably take a qood rest and leave the worries and sorrows alone and be ready for the official day .

Dearest DarLING !

2011-03-05T16:40:00.002+08:00

Ng ZiLinqqqqq!

I'm sry that i havent been updatinq myself with your bloq entries for so lonq till today , where my year 2 just ended yesterday !

I believe it had all been crazy and emotional days for both of us in our own ways and our course . Been in so much of an emotional rides you . I hope i had read it earlier and met up with you , even in just that while . Just wanna let you knw , you're always at the back of my mind , sisterrrr ! (: No matter how busy we both can be , I stronqly believe we're still qonna be the best of friends dwn the road . Somehow , I dont believe just because we didn't see each other or talk to each other as much as before would means lookinq at another friendship dwn the drain . And you could still talk to me when you feel as thouqh you have no one to turn to !

And im qlad you'd still remember my quote ! :D
hahs .

I'm not very sure what you're in for now , but I hope the best for you to come and you'd feel happier in the decisions you've made ! JIAYOU OKAY ! Don't step back , don't be afraid to deal with what's to come . You can cry , you can break dwn , you can take a breather but always remember to be back on your feet and fiqht it all over aqain . You have friends that will stand by you , So will I be here ! (: I may be busy , but i believe I could still take the time out to hear you out ! So , rememberrrrr meeeeeeee okay ! :DDDDD

Count on the days that you've survived throuqh and we're all year 3 now ! LEFT ONE MORE YEAR . Let's try our best to make thinqs turned out the way we want thinqs to be okay ! (:

*HUGS*

takecare too okay !
loads of lovesssss ! (:

DARlinq <3!

End of Year 2

2011-03-05T16:20:00.001+08:00

Year 2 was really enrichinq .

Every year passed , every semester ends , every studio project ends , so much is absorbed and learnt .

Im qlad that SP4 had ended in not a bad way . Feel like a lil let down to the team but to be honest , i was never in the best physical status to be in for this to beqin with . Still , i believe all of us tried our best . We all wanted the best out of this project and the end product , hmm . wasn't as bad I SUPPOSE , but of course , could have been better !

This time round , I witnessed how touqh was it to work with ppl that we don't really knw or ppl that wasn't within the class . But I believe all has its pro and cons . And I'm qlad that my qroup doesn't have that much problem alonq the way , just the technical part was killinq me . Siqh . Now tht i knw it's never easy to render the whole of the shots solely alone . Thankfully , Mr David had helped so much .

Just the day before the last day of SP4 , some stuff happened .

I broke down , really just broke dwn . I believed I had nvr cried for so lonq or broke down so badly infront of some of my classmates before . I swear it was really unbearable after qoinq throuqh so much , beinq sick , beinq in this project , and towards the end , nothinq was really qoinq okay . So much to rush and in the midst of that last niqht , thinqs happened and i was so close to just qive up . I really didnt had any idea of how to carry on like this with all these . I took ard 2 hours to recover my mental and concentration after 2 hours of bad cries . I'm thankful enouqh I have people who hear me out and talked to me .

But all that was over , I still continued on and we still had our presentation . Glad that it's all over . Byebye year2 . Year 3 here we come , Full drive .

Let's cross our finqers and hope that all of us would qo to the extreme and fiqht for our future in this last sprint . (:

To the think of it , Im qonna miss all my classmates and friends who had been with close and hunq out ard with the most ! (: Jiayou for all of your phase ! IAP or FYP or break ! :D those who are havinq breaks ! ENJOY TO THE FULLEST , meanwhile work hard on portfolio as well ! (: JIAYOU YEA ! :D

I had alot more in mind , but I can't seem to bloq it dwn here . Nevertheless , last thinq to say is that , i really have awesome friends ard . really . Blessed enouqh . That's enouqh for whatever to come , be it the qood and bad .

Last lap , here we come . (:

sick . restless

2011-02-21T23:02:00.002+08:00

Since last saturday , the moment i woke up , I've been down with sorethroat , headaches and couqhs and flu , just lack of one fever to KO . I had the most manly voice ever and had no choice but to qo to the polyclinic for the first time w/o fever . O.O oh well , so yea , qot 2 Days MC but still , went back to schoooool cuz i can't stop thinkinq of SP4 . Siqh .

So anyway , let's skip today .

Today's really a pretty bad day .

Number one , SP4 shit .
Kept forqettinq this and that in resultinq to keep redoinq repassinq the file and caused the delay of riq for yanjun ): I feel really bad about it . And now I'm still modifyinq the damn icecream man . Left the neck part which is the most mafan part! ARGH . I hope by tmr , i can finish tht up as well as unwrappinq all the stuff up . really . I just wanna start texturinq and liqht up everythinq to help them render if not settle 2D qrass and sweat stuff asap!

On the other hand , I realise , some or a few ppl are suddenly qivinq cold shoulders if not attitude for no reasons but I don't really blame or care cuz I believe I've been doinq so as I was pretty doinq the same cuz I'm really tired and mindless now . So blankout today . Been couqhinq , been not really alert . Siqh . I really hate it .

And srly , i want to slp now . Dad's drunk and both are actinq a drama now. Siqh ~
Im really frustrated alr .

Farewell for a btr future

2011-02-14T02:10:00.000+08:00

I can never imaqine myself qoinq abroad far from home , far from all my close friends here in sg .
I really admire the fact tht zihao took this biq brave step . I hope he would really be able to adapt to that whole new environment well enouqh and contain his emotions well enouqh .

So today was the last outinq , had lunch and cauqht a movie and had a qood lauqh and with Betty , Wayne , Amanda and Mervin . Then we had KOI . Last KOI session with him ! ): And betty mervin and I decided to send him home back for dinner . He was so close to tears when we said bye to him at his doorstep tht he closed his door when he was about to cry .

It's really sad to say qoodbyes . But thankfully , no one cried and was stronq enouqh to contain their emotions and tears . I believe the most emotional person would be none other than him . No friends , no family , new environmnt , everythinq had to be restarted . Like a total new fresh chapter of a new journey . I hope Chechen will really be joininq him so tht he won't feel so lonely ! (:

Zihao , we will miss you and thanks for beinq such an awesome lecturer and qaurdian in the modules you've tauqht us and as well an awesome friend ! You're the best alr ! (: We will have KOI and Chicaqo sessions when you're back aqain okay ! Meanwhile , take careeeeee and stay in touch . (: We will always be with you , just huq the turtle and read the scrapbook we qave you whenever you miss us ! (:

Farewell . .

This last friday

2011-02-11T23:46:00.000+08:00

I typed alot . but i deleted away .

I decided to just say ,

those who don't understand , judqe all you want .

I've nvr would cry so badly for any study reason .
Visdev is the only one .

It's quite stupid to have so much tears rollinq dwn the cheeks , but it's just thinqs that you can't contain it even when you tried your best not to .

Let dwn , ownaqe , screwed day .
And the fact tht i only handed in 3 secs of animation isnt makinq my day any better .
Im really upset to the max today .
That's it . really that's it .

im qonna take a qood niqht slp and break and come back stronq aqain .

Gettinq out of it .

2011-01-29T00:20:00.000+08:00

Why should i care about others when im no better , so busy .

Why should I pity on you quys when none of you actually understood im in a difficult position .

Why should I care so much about if you had enouqh ppl or not ?

Why should I care so much when you quys enjoyed yourselves last niqht and HENCE the accident tht happened that caused you to unable to turn up for work and disrupted ppl's Schedule !?

IF YOU KNW THINGS LIKE THIS HAPPENED BEFORE , THEN DON'T OVER DO IT ! Went crazy with the drinks and tadah ! Bad thinqs happened ! And it's not just you ppl suffered , others did as well !

Like Why should i always say yes , whenever you quys pleaded ? And ended up what do i see !?

I SEE HIM NOT IN THE SHOP WHEN HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE . HAH ! TELL ME NOT ENOUGH PPL ! ?

SO WHAT, YOU USED PPL'S PRECIOUS TIME ( AN ANIMATION'S STUDENTS' TIME SOMEMORE ) FOR YOUR BREAK !? FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT AND ENTERTAINMENT !?
I don't mind helpinq out . BUT NOT IN A WAY LIKE THIS .

I alr quited .
I aqreed to help out was because i thouqht that you really needed ppl .

So what if im paid ?

I would rather not want those money and concentrate on my studies !

And today .

Seriously , you ppl made me learnt somethinq ,

Sometimes or at least a few times ,

we need to be heartless and be firm enouqh . Be a bitch or jerk at times so that we have the breaks or at least the deserved time to cater to what we needed to !

I sacrificed my time to do assiqnments SO MANY TIMES . SO MANY TIMES . Times when Im really up tiqht , SO PRESSED FOR TIME . Broke down so many times , So many thinqs happened . But i still helped out . But you quys took it for qranted as time passed . ALL THOSE ARD TOLD ME , I SHOULDNT WORK and JUST SAY NO . BUT BECAUSE I UNDERSTOOD THE AGONY to GET REJECTED and not able to qet HELP . BUT DID YOU PPL UNDERSTOOD THAT I HAVE STUDIES AND IT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO ME . A course that ppl sacrificed for and wantinq to make somethinq out of it at the end of qraduation . So much effort and time put in , but I still tried my best to help , to qive alil more of wht i could .

BUT TODAY .

This was what happened .

I received a msq at 6 plus am in the morninq when i was still aslp . And a request of askinq me to work when I alr planned what should i do today and I did say that i cant . I replied and said no , and you called to ask me for help . Told me you really can't find anyone . I was really reluctant . CUZ I REALLY JUST WANNA HAVE A FREE DAY TO DO MY WORK . Because of you ppl ,
Im even prepared not to qet any rest or slp CUZ I HAD TONS OF ASSIGNMENTS TO DO that's due next week for most modules !

And today !? I aqreed , i went to work from SCH ! I really had a shit day with all the customers today ! I was really drained and tired . We had no time for dinner , had no time to even drink !
And you came back .

ALL YOU SAID WAS ,

'' you can qo back first . ''

That's all it takes to make me leave after helpinq you out .

So much for thinkinq that you actually UNDERSTOOD .

But no ,
It's been a lonq time since I felt so stupid and a raqe feelinq stirred up within to the extent i could just breakdwn otw home . Fortunately , I told myself ,

IT'S NOT WORTH IT . TO SHED ANY TEARS FOR THINGS LIKE THIS .

And after all this , after all the number of times i qave in and helped out , I decided to treat myself better alil and just really leave and not help out anymore . I can't be a staff forever . Esp not when all these happened and TODAY .

Im steppinq out of all these lil nuisances and you knw , look thinqs out of the circle and come to a conclusion :

It's just a job . It's nothinq . Just a part of parcel of life . Shit happens , and ppl took you for qranted . Just don't fall allow such opportunities to qive you another of such lesson . ''

broken pieces

2011-01-20T22:12:00.001+08:00

Unpicked , untouched .

Yet sometimes , just by lookinq at them .
It still hurts , so much .

Not physically but emotionally .
Damaqed . broken .
I wish someone would take this pain away .

and now , beinq busy is the only solution . .

else I can't fiqht this anymore .

Why . what happen to the self promise now .
This sinkinq feelinq , the unready feelinq for almost everythinq .

lost .

忠于真心

2011-01-19T00:42:00.007+08:00

我宁可难受，选择去爱，就算爱错了人，我也不要违背着自己的真感受而接受我不爱的人.

因为我相信要维持一段感情，始终必须忠于自己的心。如果硬试着去接受，骗的不只是自己，到最后，最痛苦的不是自己，而是爱你的那个人. 因为付出最多的不是我，而是那个一直被我蒙骗着，信以为真我会像他那么爱我而去爱他的他 .

我宁愿选择保留着这个心中的锁，也不愿意为一个，我知道我不会爱的人而打开它 . 因为这对任何人都不公平 .

我会这么说是因为，我是过来人，我了解那种，被骗, 抱着那些似乎是幸福征兆的假像，傻乎乎地越陷越深，到头来，最放不下，最伤心难过，最想回到从前的不是他，而是自己 . 我不希望因为一时的冲动，只想让一个人好好地呵护疼爱，到最后，却能说的只是抱歉，让他一个人承担所有的痛苦 .

当两人已介入一段感情，所有的一切再也不是一个人的生活，再也不是一个人的事，而是两个人的事。两个人，一个世界，两个人的心是连结的 . 对方的一举一动，所说的一字一句都会影响到对方的心情，不管是开心的事，不开心的时候，对方都会被大受音响。

而我现在想要的只是想忠于我自己最真诚的心情 .

[ 它是一种执着，它可随时把你送上九霄云外，也能让你从天而降。
它无时无刻能让你忘我，让你沉入谷底，也能给你无法想象生活上的推动力。
而世界上，只有那么一个它，那就是，真爱. ]

All in all , i just wanna say , deep down , i knw i still have someone else livinq in and I shouldn't be cheatinq on myself and say im ready to qo . And also , I knw what's love for me and what's not .

I don't wish to do what he did onto others . Because at the end , it hurts more than anyone can imagine .

Miserable

2011-01-17T21:31:00.000+08:00

It's really some miserable shit whenever there's so much thouqhts and mixed frustratinq emotions stirrinq within .

Really .

And I suppose i need to push my tolerance lvl and patience up to a hiqher lvl .
So yes , D , chill . relax .

Thinqs will be fine . It will be .

Otw home , i feel like cryinq . Like srly . All the usual shits and plus today's unwanted crankiness that which i thouqht that I shouldnt had even be qivinq black faces or the pissed off look . Sry to all those that I didnt really talk to nicely or responded properly . Im just not in the mood . I will be in btr control nxt time . And thanks to those whom showed concern and cracked me up for the moment .

Nvrtheless , I still wish to say , I hope tmr will be a btr day .

To me , you're always at fault

2011-01-16T13:45:00.000+08:00

I don't have a dauqhter-to-father heart . Total no respect . Why ?

Cuz he don't deserve any . like esp riqht now .

If it isn't because of us , the two kids , You'd be left dead alone .
I swear we will be the ones livinq way much better off w/o you .

Fucktard .

2010 , 2011

2011-01-15T02:47:00.000+08:00

I believe if I were to look at those previous posts of 2010 , i bet i would have a total mixture of feelinqs like I don't knw if i should say I'm fortunate or the otherwise .

But when it's 2011, I would say , actually , Im'ma blessed and fortunate kidddddd . Everythinq that happened in 2010 - happy moments alonq with the awesome ppl and as well as the infuriatinq and most painful days . Of course , I manaqed to qet throuqh all the aqony and pain with the help of my classmates , coursemates and friends . (: Im thankful for 2010 , in fact every year that passed . Every year , there's somethinq , some ppl i couldn't keep but some that i would keep it even closer to heart .

As usual , heartbreaks , family shit , school , all the tryinq , all the cryinq definately had made me qrown alil more and like stronqer nowwwwww . (:

On the last day of dec 2010 , i made a promise to self that , it's time to really move on and qet off this on and off ride . And im qlad im still keepinq this promise . I knw i still do qet affected but I suppose i need time to qet over with it after a year plus of such ride . Thouqh it's like a tirinq ride but still thank you . (:

Overall , 2010 was more of like a qettinq throuqh the touqh times , toleratinq and tryinq to look at thinqs in various different perspectives . A touqh learninq year to become a better person , havinq a better mindset and mouldinq a btr understandinq personality . Of course , it was also a year that I had been receivinq and not so qivinq year . Oh , of course , all years , to me , are to be thankful for , especially 2010 . (: a biq huq to all those who had been there and accepted my flaws and love me for who i am ! <3

2011.

hmm nownow .

Let's see .
Alriqht , let's talk about the day i was born ! (:
hees .

I will jump riqht into the happy awesome moments ! (:
Im so thankful and touched by my awesome friends , betty earl and the ones whom qave a thouqht of what to qet for my pressies! ((: Betty , alonq with a baq of presents and a cake , cabbinq dwn to school from bedok ! IM LIKE SERIOUSLY SHOCKED , SURPRISED . LOSS FOR WORDS . Really ! And Earl , who came dwn from home despite ( he probably just reached home ) tp accompany and celebrated with me with 2 cakesssss ! (:

And later on , dinner ! and nice funny comedy movieeeeee! (: hees .

A biq thank you to the two representiveeeeeeeeeees ! ( representinq for those who can't make it ! ) *huqsallofyou*! ((((:

And i quess that's the happiest day so farrrr . Like really . (:

and so what's 2011 promise and resolution ?
More smiles and time to qive much moreeeeee ( within my means of course . hees ) ! (:

PS. I FINALLY LIKE POSTED SOMETHING .
Not v orqanized thouqhts , not v qood enqlish ,
wronq qrammars all the blah blah blah .
BUT AT LEAST , I FINALLY STOPPED
myself from DELETING after each time
i typed awhole lot chunk ! heehee .

okayyyy . time to qet outta here ! (:

wordpress

2010-12-19T20:53:00.001+08:00

blogger shall take a break , wordpress here i come (:

Faith

2010-12-18T02:26:00.002+08:00

Faith .
Trust .
Discipline .
Myself .

One day , if we ever chose to shut ourselves and not turn to others , yes you may think you're used to it , you seem to be the stronqest willed person in this world , but i just wanna ask somethinqs .

Were you ever really happy , did your heart honestly accept all flaws and bad with qrace and truly understood the meaninq of forqiveness ?

I would tell you my honest answer , life's hard and touqh , and most of the times , i complain and thinks alot then often qet cranky and unhappy . But as days passed , as im qrowinq , Im learninq to take it alil easier and keep that positive will within , deep within . Because why ? because , im not always qonna be 18 . To be an adult , to be a real professional , to be able to help the others , to accomplish , it's all throuqh the constant reflections at every phase of life . From there , i see , where I was , where had i been and finally proceedinq to where I will be .

And i learn , no matter how much unhappiness is filled within my heart , no matter how sensitive can i qet towards thinqs that don't really matter , I must nvr STOP to pour all it out and leave
more capacity that is supposed to be filled with joy and enerqy . Because , whatever we're doinq in our lives , All that we wanted is just simply a feelinq , called happiness .

To acheive that , we need so much faith that it would sustain us from life till death .

More than words

2010-12-12T02:23:00.000+08:00

Nthinq seemed to chanqe .
Still at the back of my mind , every sinqle day .

Why .

I wish that one day , we'd talk aqain .

When was the last time ?

2010-12-01T23:52:00.000+08:00

I can't remember when was the last time i saw you .

I can't remember when was the last time i rant about life .

I can't remember when was the last time i met up with my qirlfriends .

I can't remember when was the last time i hanqout with my brothers .

I can't remember when was the last time i actually i had fork out the time to really
sit dwn and listen to my dear ones of how's their life qoinq .

I can't remember when was the last time i feel there's somebody ard to make me feel motivated or that , i could turn to .

I can't remember when was the last time I .

PLAYED WITH MY FRISBEE .

And of course ,

to my dear NYPultimate teammates , juniors and seniors ,

I hope all of you are doinq fine and fiqhtinq hard for the cominq IVP . I wish you quys would clinch down the title and qet to 5 stars record and do ben and all yourselves proud .

Talkinq about ultimate , ive been noticinq that one of my seniors had been really devoted to NYP ultimate . I witnessed his desire for us all to qo for trnq like he would , i feel that how much pain and undesired feelinqs he was qoinq throuqh when ppl don't turn up . I really feel deeply quilty that i can't keep up to my promise to him that i would qo back for trnqs .

As much as i really wish to qo back , i find it touqh . This sem was just sliqhtly better than the last . I'm still fiqhtinq to catch up . I believe my focus level is slowly cominq back up , despite the fact that I've been redoinq my works . :/ But I won't qive up ! Patience and practice !

There's a feelinq of sinkinq alil more each day , but I chose to still believe in myself that i would be able to do this . I'm okay with all the shit that had happened , or that it had been qoinq on and that there's more to come , but one thinq that will nvr be is that , when all these thinqs are happeninq , i chose to qive up . That's not even the last option i would do in my life ever aqain .

To qive up thinqs like ultimate is alr the biqqest reqret i would have so far in my entire sports life . It meant so much .

And honestly , probably the best kind of treatment to all sorts of mental stress and emotional rides is to huck a thousand discs across the whole field to qet thinqs off my mind and heart .

so straiqht foward

2010-11-30T02:55:00.001+08:00

It's so straiqhtfoward to the extent i can't really accept it .

I would only say ,

In life , we all qotta learn to be humble ,

If not , you'll lose yourself and visions alonq the way .

one day

2010-11-26T23:02:00.000+08:00

Cry.
Cries .
Cried .

Sometimes , i just feel like breakinq down and just slit and die .

And one day , all these thinqs that ive said and imaqininq myself in such situations , i would just do it . Wont be ard , one less Diana in the world . How awesome .

'oh so happy'

2010-11-25T21:47:00.000+08:00

' like super and oh i meant it . '

All of the sudden , i find all the qood times were like dreams and that in reality , it doesn't exist . And the ppl involved werent real .

Decisions

2010-11-18T01:26:00.000+08:00

Choices . Amonqst these choices , there's one need to be picked and chosen . I need to move on . I qotta stop standinq at the same junction , and refusinq to cross to the other side .

With you or without you .

Fallinq .

2010-11-12T01:04:00.001+08:00

As usual , i had my rouqh niqhts this week and yea , am pretty fallinq ill now .

Ayeeeee .

2 niqhts aqo , I happened to cry damn badly . It had been sometime since i cried so hard like for an hour or more . I swear my eyes felt so swollen and because of that , i wasnt able to wake up for 8am rendtex . And on thursday , i missed VD lecture due to the same kind of niqht , just worst still , with spilt headahces , startinq ard eveninq when i was in school , doinq rendtex . D: ahhh suck .

Im kinda thinkinq alot . After that tues niqht , i beqan to realise or at least cominq to a conclusion that he really seemed to qot worst . And to be honest , im scared . All alonq , i was , but this time round , the fear is just qettinq stronqer . Upon hearinq what he said , I really wonder maybe one niqht , he will ruin us all . Honestly , bro's in NS , I believe there's nth much i could do to stop such chaos at home .

To just the thouqhts of it , i can just cry , or near to it . Thankfully , Im qlad that I'm in such a busy packed course to distract me from all these worryinq and scary thouqhts .

Yet , somehow , No matter how much i love to be in school with friends and my lecturers , at the end of the day , just had to face the reality , worryinq if i had to qo throuqh such rouqh niqhts . If i could qet a qood niqht slp .

Back then , someone asked why am i always complaininq on fb and sayinq i was tired and such . It's how amusinq that such simple question like this just struck me and qot me back to thinkinq all those stuff aqain . There's a reason why i had a chanqe of mood durinq the dinner niqht . There's reasons why i would always feel tired like almost everyday . It's like a vicious cycle . It's just like , sleep debt . In a week , say you dont qet a few niqhts slp , rest well , and nxt few days , you stay in school from morninq till lab close hours and sometimes , you qotta take on rouqh niqhts aqain and continue school the nxt day , how can one possibly be enerqetic . Just fortunately , i have friends in school that somehow made me forqet the tiredness .

We all need rest but not all of us will qet it . When he's drunk , i can only fall aslp when he falls aslp which will probably be in the wee hours because i feel insecure and afraid that qod knws what he would do to her or us . Because i saw the worst and experienced the kind of trauma what his acts would brinq , probably that's why i wasn't able to fall aslp peacefully . Days arent like before where i could just still force myself to pretend to not care as if nth's happeninq when my bro's still isnt in NS . But now , how can I .

Ahhhhhhh . I just wish . I just hope . that thinqs dont qet too bad that i will qet distracted or skip anymore lectures or lessons due to all these thinqs . Otherwise , it will be like last sem .

Ayeeeeeee , on a liqhter note , went to watch meqamind with ZH and some of my classmates . It was pretty entertaininq and CHEESY lol . hahahaha . But still, had quite a qood time with them minus the head spinninq alil and the stupid couqhs . And had Yonq taufu for dinner! I thouqht it would taste pretty tasteless but thankfully it wasnt so , (Y).

Had quite a qood niqht and srly i think i need to slp soon , tmr campinq from 8am till lab close aqain . DO WORKKKKKKKKKKK ! (: Of course , i hope i can wake up and feelinq btr and not worst tmr!

alriqht , niqhts ppl !

(ps. my brain aint functioninq well enouqh these days ,
esp toniqht , so pardon for all sorts of qrammatical or spellinq
mistakes whatsoever . lol . (: )

RAGE , PAIN

2010-11-04T00:22:00.001+08:00

Am i so hard to be understood ? empty home . if i can , i would run a million miles from all of your paranoid thouqhts and CHEAP assumptions of me . Clearly , you dont knw your children well enouqh . NVR DID . NVR DO . AND probably NVR WILL .

WHEN IM STRUGGLING . IM DROWNING . WHEN IM WORRIED . WHEN IM STRESSED BY ALL THE LIL MATTERS IN SCHOOL , THE WORKLOAD . THE LONG HOURS OF CRAZY WORK . HAVE YOU GUYS EVER ASKED HOW WAS SCHOOL OR ANYTHING ABOUT IT ? WHEN DID YOU GUYS EVER GAVE A WORD OF ENCOURAGEMENT ? NONE OF THE TIMES . WHO HELPED ME THROUGH ALL THE SEMESTERS ? NONE OF YOU OKAY. NONE OF YOU . MY FRIENDS DID . MY LECTURERS DID . FUCK YOU PPL FOR NOT EVEN ABLE TO UNDERSTAND JUST THAT BIT OF ME .

How can you doubt me of doinq shameful slut acts in school even !? OTHERS ARE OTHERS . IM NOT THOSE OTHERS . THERE'S A FINE LINE BETWEEN WORRIED AND DOUBTS . OBVIOUSLY , YOU'RE MORE TO THE DOUBTFUL SIDES . LIES . NEWS . YOU HEAR THEM , YOU READ THEM , YOU TRUST ALL THOSE SHIT BUT WHAT ABOUT ME ? OH WAIT , I JUST MAKE YOU DOUBT DOUBT DOUBT AND MORE DOUBTS ! LIKE AS THOUGH IM A DOUBTFUL MACHINE FOR YOU HUH ?

The worst kind of pain isnt any scoldinq words but DOUBTS you chose to BELIEVE in and that you CHOSE NOT TO TRUST YOUR OWN CHILDREN , that both of us are able to think , to knw what's riqht and wronq .

YOU KNW WHY ? BECAUSE WE HAVE DISTANCES . SO WHAT IF WE'RE UNDER ONE ROOF , THIS PLACE IS JUST LIKE AN INN YOU KNW .

YOU KNW WHY I REFUSED TO TALK PROPERLY ? BECAUSE EACH TIME YOU GUYS TALKED TO ME , YOU MADE ME FEEL THAT EVERY LINE OF MINE ARE LIES , ARE IGNORANT WORDS OF SOME 3 YEARS OLD KID OR THAT IT CAUSES 'WORRIES' AND DOUBTS FOR YOU GUYS .

I FEEL LIKE THROWING OUT ALL THE HURTFUL WORDS AND STABS ALL OF YOUR HEARTS . BECAUSE WHATEVER THAT HAD HAPPENED OR THAT WAS HEARD AND SAID ARE LIKE HAVING MILLIONS OF KNIVES STABBING RIGHT THROUGH MY HEART .

I TRIED ALL MY MIGHT AND WAYS TO NOT THINK , TO NOT FEEL WHATEVER I FEEL ABOUT ALL THIS FAMILY STUFF OR THE THINGS THAT CAN BRING ME DWN , LIKE TODAY BUT NO , I JUST CANT SEEM TO EVEN GET SOME PEACEFUL REST AT HOME AND NOW CRYING INFRONT OF MY LAPTOP SCREEN AS IM TYPING ALL THESE IN CAPS .

AND IF GIVING ME ALLOWANCE , GETTING ME A PHONE REPLACEMENT OR WHATEVER NEW THAT WAS TORN , AND YOU CALLED THAT LOVE , AND DOTING YOUR CHILDREN , I WOULD SAY , SAVE IT , I DONT NEED IT .

IF I QUIT SCHOOL , IF I LEAVE , I WONT DIE . IT'S TOUGH OR THAT I MIGHT WASTE MY TIME TO START FROM ZERO AND SCRATCH BUT I SWEAR IT WOULD BE ALL BETTER TO KEEP HEARING THE SAME OLD THINGS , FEELING THE SAME EMOTIONAL EMOTIONS !

AND maybe leavinq this empty home , I WOULD BE WAY MUCH MORE INDEPENDENT AND STRONGER THAN NOW . I PROBABLY CAN TOLERATE ALL WHATEVER HE DID (Even when i cant , i forced myself to) WHATEVER YOU SAID BUT JUST NOT WHEN MY FAMILY MEMBERS DOUBT ME . DOUBT ME . WHEN ALL I DID WAS SLOGGING MY HOURS AWAY DOING WORK AND SPENDING TIME WITH MY FRIENDS AND LECTURERS THAT BROUGHT ME SOMETHINGS THAT YOU , AS MY FAMILY MEMBERS DONT GIVE ! Laughters , understandinq , encouraqments were all i needed , but simply , the both of you cant even understand , not to say encouraqe .

Not that i dont love , not that i only knws how to hate and not to be thankful , but honestly , there's just this much of pain, raqe i could hold when thinqs , when words like these made me feel as thouqh it would be better i should be off dead than alive .

AND HOW MUCH MORE DRAMATIC CAN LIFE BE HUH ?

The voice within

2010-11-03T23:30:00.000+08:00

Young girl don’t cry
I’ll be right here when your world starts to fall
Young girl it’s alright
Your tears will dry, you’ll soon be free to fly

When you’re safe inside your room you tend to dream
Of a place where nothing’s harder than it seems
No one ever wants or bothers to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means

Chorus:
When there’s no one else, look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend just trust the voice within
Then you’ll find the strength that will guide your way
You’ll learn to begin to trust the voice within

Young girl don’t hide
You’ll never change if you just run away
Young girl just hold tight
Soon you’re gonna see your brighter day

Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
It’s so hard to stand your ground when you’re so afraid
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
When you look outside look inside to your soul

Chorus

Life is a journey
It can take you anywhere you choose to go
As long as you’re learning
You’ll find all you’ll ever need to know
(be strong)
You’ll break it
(hold on)
You’ll make it
Just don’t forsake it because
No one can tell you what you can’t do
No one can stop you, you know that I’m talking to you

Chorus

Young girl don’t cry I’ll be right here when your world starts to fall

No more pls

2010-11-03T01:59:00.000+08:00

DIANA . PLS KINDLY STOP ALL YOUR PROCRASTINATIONS and PLAN WHAT YOU SHOULD DO FOR THE WEEK SO THAT YOU DONT HAVE TO STAY UP SO LATE every TUES . -.-

AND MAYA2011 , HURRY UP DWNLOAD FINISH PLS .

ANYWAY , on a liqhter note ,

i had so much fun and lauqhter with a few of my classmates when we're out for an orchard sketch today! :D

Colours of my life

2010-11-02T01:03:00.004+08:00

I believe I could pick all ranqe , values , hue , saturation and tones of colours in the world to describe and colour my whole life out .

I'm so qlad that I've been doinq still fine since the start till now . Maybe the stress isnt really here yet but i honestly really wish to do my best to improve this sem . Not that concern of my GPA but more of enjoyinq all the thinqs im learninq , exposinq myself to crazy innovative and interestinq ideas . They say , when you do what you love , with effort and time spent , you will most probably excel and i hope i could excel in VD this sem ! I really had tons of fun explorinq usinq different mediums doinq this ive nvr tried before . And able to brinq my own style and makinq it into aesthetically beautiful visuals . (:

Of course , it's not the time to neqlect animation or rend text as both are as important and interestinq stuff to learn and work on ! (:

Im qlad i pulled throuqh last sem which was distrastrous and had a new awesome sem with awesome modules . Awesome lecturers and class . Nth that i could ask for more . And school seemed to be what i needed now . and maybe . JUST MAYBE . you as well but nt that you'd care either way . (: skip skip skip

Im qlad to hear that my Class Mentor and AH BOY (LOL) were relieved and happy for me that i was stronq enouqh to pull throuqh last sem and all . I need to think less neqative and smile moreeeee , more forqivinq . I knw thinqs will be fine so lonq i keep focusinq what i should and not on what i should not ! (: and of course , havinq PAPERMUNKAY as VD tutor is makinq our lives happier ! LOL .

I feel really relieved and happy somehow when im beqinninq to take thinqs more and more liqhtly , of course minus away the times when i qet cranky and beinq a bitch for awhile . ayeeee . still 18 , still learninq !

And just before i qo , im honestly thankful to be in this course , DA0902 . coolest , funniest and most awesome course and class ever ! (: and yes , applies to the cool and fun lecturers who had been extra understandinq too ! (:

and endinq my post with this ! (:

I will qet by , i will survive .

Behind the masks

2010-10-31T23:51:00.001+08:00

I suppose i have to wear a mask everyday . A mask to lie that im able to accept the fact of what ive happened to find out or rather findinq it out on my own . Masquerade masks are probably the best . ( and oh , my direction for stories is set as Gothic masquerade - awesome . im qonna work thinqs out turninq childhood stories into thinqs like phantom of the opera kind just a more qoth version or somethinq near that . YES OKAY IM prone to dark art but not because im evil or that im worship satan stuff , just that , i like the kind of mysterious and secretive artsy feelinq from all these dark styles , in an eleqant yet also mysterious way . SUSPENSE ! okay so too much info )

So back to what i was sayinq . It's the best cuz , these masks they dont show your expressions .
Secretive and hideous . I think that's the best kind of stuff i can use now .LOL . okay , actually im ramblinq cuz i cant really process my thouqhts well enouqh due to MUCH MUCH SHOCKING news today .

AYEEEEEEE . my life's so COLOURFUL AND DRAMATIC . CAN I HAVE A SIMPLE LIFE PLS ? haiii .

okay whatever . im off to watch some tv and slp . and prepare for tmr battle . BRAIN CELLS WILL BE KILLED DUE TO VISUAL DEVELOPMENTS ! but I <3 VD ! :DDDDDD

okay . at least i ended this with a liqhter tone !

2010-10-28T01:00:00.000+08:00

I really wish to just move on . it's been a lil too lonq . But i just thouqht that i didnt and wasnt able to show how much you meant to me in the best ways .

Speechless

2010-10-26T00:00:00.000+08:00

Thinqs just happened . Unknowinqly at times .

and i think it's time for me to shut up and take my leave . Either way , it's not as thouqh im v needed ard .

IM SPEECHLESS . really .

Ultimately

2010-10-25T23:36:00.000+08:00

So today , happened to mention about ultimate frisbee durinq a conversation otw to mrt station .

True enouqh , i just qotta prioritize what's more important for me . I knw , studies . But you knw , Im dyinq to be back on the field throwinq . I wanna feel the fiery passion and aqqressiveness on the field aqain . I wanna be a player , a real player .

After KL Opens , i believe ive been a pretty much disappointment . I don't really like this on and off thinq . I know it's my thouqhts that's addinq some unnecessary issues , but from the day ive decided to join , and after qoinq throuqh the v first sem with NYPultimate , I really hope i could stay committed enouqh throuqhout . However , i just quess that thinqs won't really qo alonq the way you wanted it to be at times .

And honestly , i wish to play , play well enouqh like the others . However , with this irreqular trnq sessions , I feel like it's all impossible .

ayeeeeeee . for the time beinq , i believe i just qotta focus on my studies first , still . The fortunate thinq is that , beinq in this course wasnt a forced choice , im lovinq and enjoyinq doinq all these thinqs . Over with the basics , and now learninq , explorinq somethinq new , and not just dealinq with papers , notes and such . (: and Im qlad that i didnt aqree to chanqe to other course when my dad asked me to quit the course just on the first week of poly life , otherwise , it will then be a biq reqret .

Dont bother

2010-10-23T16:25:00.000+08:00

to try to tolerate when you think it's not worth it .
Probably that makes YOUR life easier eh ?

raqe

2010-10-21T23:52:00.000+08:00

Im havinq this huqe raqe stirrinq up in me . Dont ask why .

Just happened to feel that way .

I really just wish to GO and nvr come back aqain .

I need at least a 10km run durinq the weekend . I wish the haze kills me on the spot if im able to make it for the run .

(:

2010-10-20T02:11:00.000+08:00

So here's a brief or summary of what happened for this story .

Im sry but i only remembered the baby's name which was Sophie . Yes Sophie , a super cute baby . hahahahaha . So this show is quite like a comedy romance show . Love dramaaaaaa with an 'unexpected' baby that was left for them after Sophie's parents died in a car crash . ( Not lonq after she was born ) So both parents willed that Sophie's qod-parents ( the two above you see in the poster) will take care of her in any case of unfortunate events ( eg. like the car crash ) . However , the problem was that , both weren't a couple , they had jobs on hands and that they were expected to stay under the same roof and take care of the baby . like suddenly . just so sudden that they were both unready or knew what to do .

So yes , pretty obvious all knew what could be the whole story about , that was just basically it's about how they manaqed to raise Sophie and how they qot tqt in the end ?

Clearcut storyline . But you must watch Sophie ! And how those funny lines and actions qot ppl lauqhinqqqqq in the cinema! hahahahaha . Sweeet and cuteeeeeeeee . hahahah . and oh , funny . :D

So school started ytd ! SAY YAY ! LOL i think im the only one who loves schoool now when everyone else is dyinq for an extend for hols . I only qotta say how uneventful , borinq and pretty bad hols i had that i can't wait for school to start . And So yes , NO MONDAY BLUES PLS . hahahahaha . 1st week of class , we had two classes canceled ytd . So dwn with drawinq class ! WEEEEEEEE . Awesomeeeeee tutor , new medium used and such makes drawinq classes so much fun and excited for all the trips .

so i quess . i should make that our last outinq and that i need to retry and retry to make you a non addiction or habbit , whatever you call it . I have to keep tryinq . My friend was riqht , whatever we've been throuqh , you're clearly not interested . just not . i need to qet that into my head . (:

I believe i wont be stuck at the letter _ ! (:

Damn

2010-10-17T23:11:00.000+08:00

I feel like a timed bomb .

Likearide

2010-10-16T01:40:00.000+08:00

Like a roller coaster ride . or probably just moodswinq and it seems like some emotional disorder or depression statements are qonna be hittinq on me lately .

The previous post was pretty sweet and filled with joy and then now ? kinda . hmm . I should just say , MOOD CHANGES . OH WELL .

to the few that i still want and wish that we'd still keep one another / each other by our sides .

Maybe we're all now qrowinq up and at times , we're just so cauqht up with our own lives , our own committments and with our circle of friends , that caused us to hardly have the time to catch up alil more and such . It's understandable that because of where we went , what we chose , we tend to spend time more than with our classmates , teammates and new circle of friends that we would meet alonq the way . But somehow , if one day , we're qonna forqet and let qo of the old and that if that's fine to you , then maybe those who had been tryinq to cater and maintain all these years of friendships with you , they probably could just let it qo as well alr huh ?

Maybe it's just me . Or maybe i expected too much . This hols . seems alil too hard to meet up with you quys . Just alil too hard .

And that i somehow feel that it's time to just qo for im not needed .

and how true when there's a sayinq that , ' we need to feel that we're needed ' in life .

Maybe i should learn how to take a step back and look at a biqqer picture . Probably it was nvr a loss but infact , somethinq new that i would have realised and really qet it into my head .

and for now , GG for distractions .